


Imaginary Friend

by RandomSlasher (Randomslasher), Thuri



Category: Scrubs
Genre: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-18
Updated: 2007-05-18
Packaged: 2017-10-22 17:30:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/240677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randomslasher/pseuds/RandomSlasher, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thuri/pseuds/Thuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>About a month into his internship, JD starts having some unusual dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imaginary Friend

**Warning: Mentions of past sexual abuse (not between main characters), mentions of suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide (sort of), graphic descriptions of child abuse**

JD supposed strange dreams shouldn't surprise him, as odd as his sleep schedule had become since he started his internship. He'd thought med school was taxing on sleep, but with all the alternating shifts, and being on call every other night (it seemed), he was falling asleep nearly the moment his head hit the pillow-- _any_ pillow. His dreams were scattered, vague, disjointed--and when he remembered them, they were disconnected and often interrupted.

This one seemed different, though. He frowned, blinking, as he found himself standing quite abruptly in the middle of a small, dingy living room, with a small, ancient-looking radio and no television. The decor seemed strange, somehow--old, but not as old as it should be given the style. His frown deepened; he definitely didn't recognize the room, but it was in full detail, and more than he was used to, even considering his usually overactive imagination. He couldn't think of a single room in his memory that would match this one, or even come close, in real life or otherwise.

And the little boy crying in the corner...where had he come from? It wasn't Dan, it wasn't him...it wasn't anyone he recognized.

The reason for his crying was obvious in a moment, though.

"I told you not to mess with it!" roared a voice, and JD jumped, startled to realize there was a large man right behind him, pacing. He backpedaled quickly, then gasped when he realized he'd just backed straight _through_ the couch.

_So this is weird..._

The boy in the corner sobbed. "I'm sorry!" he lisped, the 'r's coming out sounding like 'w's. "I won' do it again!"

"I was listening to Sinatra," the man growled, and JD realized he was waving his hand at the large old-fashined radio. "When I tell you not to change the station, I _mean_ it, you numbskull!"

The boy, cringing, said, "You was asleepin'," in a tremulous voice. "I wanned to hear the Lone Ranger."

"Did I tell you to talk?!" JD jumped, again startled (and increasingly horrified) as the man suddenly grabbed a hard-bound book off the coffee table and hurled it at the child.

He was even more startled when the second book passed right through him, as he moved automatically to stop the man from doing it again. Neither hit the boy--they didn't even come close, the man's coordination was thrown off and JD could almost smell the booze on him--but it did make the child cower back even more, strangled little whimpers coming out of his throat as he fought frightened tears.

Dream or no, JD could remain silent no longer. "You have to stop this," he heard himself say, furious, reaching out to grab the man's hand, to stop him from throwing anything else. But, as with the couch, his hand passed right through the man. He couldn't touch him, or deflect the books; couldn't affect the scene in any way. Finally he resigned himself to watching, enraged and increasingly nauseated, as the man threw a few more things at the boy before stomping out of the room, muttering furiously.

Then only JD and the little boy remained in the room. The child was cowering beneath the small TV table under which he'd taken feeble shelter, still sniffling and making those odd little almost-sobs.

JD moved forward, unable to stop himself, though he suspected his presence would do no good--would not even be noticed. He crouched down beside the child, stooping to get a better look at him, see if he could place the face and figure out who he was and why he was in JD's subconscious. And he froze, when the boy looked up, and his eyes snagged immediately with JD's. The child's went impossibly wide, and he pressed himself further back against the wall, arms wrapped around knees held tight to his chest. "W-who are you?" he whimpered.

JD blinked, surprised to realize the kid could see him. Then he remembered it was a dream, and shrugged it off, settling down beside the table, shifting a little, making sure he wasn't blocking the boy's escape route if he wanted to take off. He brought his knees up to his own chest, and rested his chin on them, watching the little boy with what he hoped was a friendly smile. "I'm JD," he said. "Who're you?"

The boy sniffled again, reaching up to drag his arm beneath his nose. "Perry," he mumbled, though it came out 'Pewwy.'

JD dug in his pocket, a little surprised to find he actually had some tissues on him. He slid one across the floor, setting it near Perry. "This is a good hiding place you've got here," he offered. "You can still see the rest of the room. I used to hide under my bed, but that was bad sometimes because I couldn't see my brother coming."

Perry perked a little, looking cautious but unable to keep silent. "I hide under my bed sometimes," he confided. "It's good cuz daddy doesn't fit and he can't reach me." He shifted, squirming a little, looking JD over but no longer seeming quite as threatened by him. "How old is your brover?"

"He's three years older'n me," JD replied. "So he was _always_ bigger."

"My sister's Paige, but she's just little still," Perry said. "Daddy doesn't chase her though. She's too little now, I think." He nodded wisely, apparently pleased to have decoded this small facet of his life. Then, brightening suddenly, he said, "You wanna see my room?"

JD nodded, encouraged that Perry'd stopped crying now, though getting a lower and lower opinion of his father all the time. "Yeah!" He stood up and offered his hand without thinking.

But when Perry reached for it, JD was startled to realize that while everything else might pass right through him, Perry's hand was solid, and real, damp with tears but warm. The child grinned, earlier troubles apparently forgotten; though JD was glad of it, he realized it probably meant they were relatively common, and he fought the urge to scowl. The doctor in him wanted to check the child over, look for signs of earlier abuse, call social services--it took him by surprise, when he suddenly remembered this was a dream. He shook his head at himself, amused, and felt something in his heart ease a little. Dream children, after all, needn't be worried for, or fretted over. This boy was a figment of his overtaxed imagination. Nothing more.

"I have to share with my sister, when she's big enough, but it's still a boy's room," Perry was telling him as he trotted through the narrow hallway toward the room on the corner. "You can tell 'cuz it's blue, see?" he pushed open the door, tugging JD's hand. "I have a baseball bear," he said, squirming excitedly. "C'mere!"

JD followed, the room making his heart ache again. It reminded him in some ways of his own, though the Dorians had never been quite this strapped for cash, even when his father wasn't doing well. The few toys he saw were old, ratty, but obviously incredibly well cared for, and the room itself was mostly bare.

Perry let go of his hand to run to his bed, scrambling up and grabbing a worn teddy bear off the pillows. He toddled back over to JD, presenting it proudly to JD. One eye was missing, there was a hole in the bear's throat, but he did wear a ball cap and a little baseball shirt, the Pittsburgh Pirates logos nearly worn away.

JD sank down to the floor and took the small bear, no longer questioning why he could touch it, as well. Dreams weren't supposed to make sense. "He _is_ a baseball bear!" JD grinned, looking the toy over appraisingly before nodding his approval. "I never had one that had a shirt and cap and everything. What's his name?"

"Billy," Perry said. "Like Billy O'Dell, the pitcher. I like him 'cuz he's pretty good, even though he's kinda small like me. Billy Bear is small too. You're not small, though," he said suddenly, frowning at JD. "You're big."

JD nodded. "I know. I wasn't always big, though. I was really small when I was younger. But I'm old, now, and it happens." He shifted, though, until he was stretched out on the floor, Perry's head above his. "How old are you? You'll be bigger when you grow up, too."

"Dis many," Perry said, holding up four fingers. "I wanna be really big when I get old like you, 'cuz you know why?"

"Why?" JD asked, his heart clenching a little. God, this kid was so young...How long had his asstard father been treating him like this?

"'Cuz then I won't be scared all the time," Perry said matter-of-factly. "When you're bigger you don't get scared, right?"

JD bit the inside of his lip, hugging the bear a little. "Not as much, no...but sometimes you still do," he admitted. "Having good friends helps, though. They're always there for you, when you're scared."

"Oh," Perry said, frowning. "I haven't got any friends. Daddy says I can't go out and play with them cuz I'm not good 'nuff an' I don' got nice things like they got." He flopped down onto his rear, studying Billy Bear carefully, clearly deep in thought. Then, brightening suddenly, he looked back up at JD. "Will _you_ be my friend?" he asked. "I'll be good!"

"I'll be your friend even if you're bad," JD said firmly, swallowing yet again against the lump of anger and pain in his throat. "But I have a very important question for you, Perry."

Perry looked up at him, eyes wide. "What?" he breathed, clearly thrilled to be let in on something important.

JD couldn't help but smile. "Will you be my friend, too?" he asked, voice very serious.

Perry's entire face lit up. "Okay!" he shrieked gleefully, climbing to his feet and moving as though to hug JD. But before JD could move, there was a sudden stuttering noise from the next room, and the house was filled with the sound of an infant's cries.

The effect on Perry was immediate. His eyes grew huge, the smile vanishing instantly; his face went quite pale, and he clapped both hands over his mouth in a theatrical gesture that would've been funny if JD hadn't feared he knew its cause.

Sure enough, moments later, a weary female voice from the room called, "James, please keep him _quiet_ ," and moments later, the sound of heavy footsteps in the hallway met JD's ears.

"Damned boy," came the muttered curse. "Perry! What did I tell you?!"

Perry bit back a terrified sob and lowered his head, hands clasped behind his back as he shifted nervously from foot to foot.

JD's eyes widened. "Hide!" he hissed, driven by a sudden and powerful impulse to protect the boy. "Hide under the bed!"

Perry shook his head. "Can't," he gulped around his sniffles. "It'll be worse later."

The door swung open, slamming against the far wall and rattling on its hinges, and Perry's father stood, looking every inch as terrifying as he had before. "Boy, what have I told you about being noisy when your sister is asleep?" he growled.

Perry shifted some more. "I'm sorry, Daddy," he said, very quietly.

"Not as sorry as you're gonna be," the man muttered, reaching down and grabbing Perry roughly by the wrist. "Come on. It's the belt for you."

Perry gulped again, but didn't fight against his father's hold; as he was dragged out of the room, he looked over his shoulder at JD and whispered, "Bye," in a high pitched, quavering voice.

* * *

JD woke up with a start, his heart pounding in his chest, every moment of the dream still crystal clear in his mind. He shook his head, rolling over, his own alarm clock comforting him somewhat. But when he closed his eyes he say Perry's frightened face again, and he shivered, leaning over to flick the lamp on, grabbing his journal off the bedside table.

It wasn't until he'd written down every detail he remembered that he felt ready for sleep again.

* * *

"I'm telling you, you're reading too much into it," Turk told him again, as they sat at the bar. "The guy's an asshole. So he yelled at you again. Big deal. He yells at you all the time, remember?"

JD sighed, scowling at his beer. "I didn't even _do_ anything," he muttered, tugging at the corner of the label.

"Yeah, so?" Turk snorted, taking another swig of his beer. "Case in point. Dude, why is it bothering you so much?"

JD shrugged. He didn't want to tell Turk that he'd had a bad dream, and that Dr. Cox's rants had reminded him of little Perry's father. Turk knew he was weird, but that would be pushing it even for _him._ "I dunno," he said. "Lack of sleep, I guess."

"Yeah, speaking of which," Turk said, glancing at him. "I walked by your bedroom at like two in the morning to take a leak and your light was on. Everything okay?"

"I had a strange dream. Wanted to write it down so I could get back to sleep." JD pushed his half-empty bottle aside, sighing. Somehow he didn't even want to feel buzzed, tonight. "I just don't get why Cox is always so hostile...I do everything he wants, as well as I can..."

"Dude, seriously, _forget_ about it," Turk said, waving the bartender over. "And look, I know you don't really go for beer, so you can order an appletini if you want, and I swear I won't make fun of you. Come on, whaddya say?"

JD sighed. "No, I... I'm not really in the mood for this tonight," he said. "I'm sorry--rain check, okay?" He pushed his stool back, standing and dropping a few bucks on the bar. "I'll see you later."

"Dude, what--?" Turk started, but JD ignored him, pushing past the other occupants of the bar and wandering back into the brisk evening air.

He felt a little guilty, leaving Turk alone, but only a little. Some of his surgery buddies would show up soon enough, and he'd forget JD'd taken off.

JD started the walk back to his apartment, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, trying to work out what was bothering him.

Sure the dream had been weird--even more so because it hadn't faded on waking. And sure, Cox had yelled at him again. But why were both things having such an effect on him? He scowled, kicking at a rock. He'd spent half the day wanting to bash Perry's asshole father over the head, swoop in and protect the boy. And he knew there were all sorts of dream interpretations possible from the whole thing, but none of them seemed to ring true. Not for this.

"Why'd I come up with it, anyway?" he muttered to the night air. Aside from the yelling, there wasn't really anything in the dream he could relate to his own life. And even that...Sure, Cox yelled at him, but never with the pure anger and malice he'd heard from Perry's father the night before. Cox was sarcastic, but he wasn't actually abusive, save verbally.

"Maybe I've just been working too hard," he muttered to himself, sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. Wasn't like it'd happen again, right?

* * *

 

Perry was crying silently into his pillow, when JD opened his eyes, and found himself sitting on the boy's bed. He shifted, slightly, not wanting to scare him. "Hi, Perry," he whispered softly, distantly wondering why, since he knew he was dreaming, he couldn't seem to wake up.

Perry gasped a little, jerking his head around, then smiled broadly, despite the tears that were still leaking down his chubby cheeks. "I knew you'd come back," he said proudly, pushing himself into a sitting position.

JD blushed, ashamedly pushing his wish to wake up far, far away. He didn't know what was going on, but there was no way he'd want to leave now, and deny this boy the joy he seemed to have in JD's presence. Even if he _was_ just a dream. "'Course I came back," he said gently. "Friends have to stick together, you know."

"For really real?" Perry asked him, sliding a little closer. "Like Toto and the Lone Ranger?"

JD smiled softly, imagining Dorothy's dog scampering after a horse. "Yes, just like them. I don't know how often I'll get to see you, Perry, but we're friends. Promise. And I'll be here as much as I can..." Seemed a strange thing to promise a dream, but he couldn't resist.

"Mama said you wasn't real," Perry said, smile slipping a little, and JD understood the reason for the boy's tears. "I told her about you, 'cuz I wanned to tell her I made a friend, but she said you was... was..." he frowned suddenly, face screwing up rather comically, then ventured, "'maginry?"

"Imaginary," JD offered, feeling a small twinge of irony: his imaginary little friend was worried because _he_ might be imaginary? Talk about an existential paradox...

Perry nodded vigorously, eyes wide. "Yeah! Imaginrary. And Daddy said I didn't have no friends, 'cuz I'm a bad boy." He wilted suddenly, looking so crestfallen that JD had to resist the urge to pull him into his arms. Dream or no, he wasn't sure how well the little boy would react to any physical gestures from anyone older or larger than him--particularly if he had a history of abuse--so he refrained.

He didn't stop himself from speaking up, though. "You are _not_ a bad boy, Perry," he said, gently but firmly. "You're not. I just met you and I can tell that much."

Perry looked up at him, face hopeful, if still laced with doubt. "How do you know?" he whispered. "How do you know I'm not really bad?" he looked around, then leaned forward. "I spilled some juice yesterday," he confessed, eyes wide. "Don't tell daddy! I cleaned it up. But only bad boys spill, right?"

" _All_ boys spill," JD told him seriously, heart aching again. God, this boy just made him want to hold him close and protect him from the whole world. "Girls too. You can't help it, you're still growing up! Your arms and hands don't always do what you want them to yet. You'll spill less when you get older. But it doesn't make you bad that you do now. I spilled _a lot_."

"For really real?" Perry asked, eyes still wide.

JD nodded solemnly. "For really real. My mom said she should call me her own walking disaster. But then she'd laugh. It doesn't make you bad, Perry, I _promise_."

Perry stared at him for a moment longer, then smiled, shyly, looking up at JD from beneath his mop of curly reddish hair. "I like you," he said.

This kid was dangerous, JD decided, grinning slightly. "I like you, too."

Perry slid from his bed and tugged JD's hand. "Come on!" he said. "Let's play baseball for pretend, with Billy Bear. You can be the batter, only you'll have to use the Barbie 'cuz that's the only other thing they had at the toy bin when we went at Christmastime, but for pretend she can be a boy, okay?"

JD swallowed, but nodded, following Perry and obeying his orders as the boy set up their pretend game of baseball. The Barbie was really in bad shape, most of her hair gone and part of her left foot broken off, but that didn't seem to matter to Perry. JD made her swing her pretend bat, and run to the bases they'd established from a sock, a scrap of red construction paper, a half-empty crayon box, and a Hot Wheel with three wheels. Perry scampered about, pretending to be the rest of the team and the announcer, and JD found himself laughing frequently at the child's antics. What he lacked in resources he made up for in imagination, and JD was at once touched and saddened, that he had to. He found himself wishing there was some way he could bring Perry a gift--more toys, maybe, or a baseball glove or hat of his very own. He even tried willing said items into existence (hey, if it was a dream, he ought to be able to do that, right?) but with no success.

Soon enough, in the tradition of most young children, Perry wore himself out, and curled up next to JD, leaning against his side, thumb in his mouth, eyes drooping. JD supported him, wrapping an arm around the child's shoulders and letting his fingers drift into his hair, stroking through the wayward curls and biting his lip.

If this was a dream, it was the most realistic and poignant dream he'd ever had in his life. And it was recurring. Those two things combined surely meant it was important, somehow, but...what could it mean? He was starting to almost feel like an older brother to the child, or even a father, but...it wasn't as though he was just dying to be a father himself. Someday, sure, but not right now--lord knew he couldn't handle a kid right now, with the internship and his debts...

But if it wasn't that, then what _was_ it? He frowned as Perry snuggled closer, beginning to snore lightly, and tried to remember his psych classes. Freudian dream analysis had always been a topic of which he'd been rather skeptical, interesting as it was, and it amused him, but he hadn't committed much of it to memory. Most of it seemed to be about sexual repression, or unresolved anger, or...

His frown grew, and he straightened a little, glancing down at Perry. Was that it? Unresolved anger for the injustice of his own lonely childhood? He'd certainly wished for a friend more than once when he was little, ridiculed by his brother and pressured to perform by his mother, but...well, he'd never been physically abused, not by his father at any rate, so where had _that_ part come from?

And why, if this was a dream, was he thinking so clearly about it?

Perry shifted again, and one of his hands came up to fist in the hem of JD's t-shirt. JD stared down at the chubby little fingers, then reached down and covered the pale hand with his own, noting how completely he engulfed it. God, if this was a dream...well. He'd never fallen in love with a dream before, but he was fast on his way, he knew. Perry was about the sweetest, most clever child he'd ever met, and even though it wasn't real, JD still found himself wishing he could take the child out of there. Rescue him, even if it was from the recesses of his own consciousness.

The sound of a door closing from across the house made the boy jerk awake abruptly, and JD started a little, surprised at the reaction. Perry looked around wildly for a moment, then realized JD was still there, and smiled a gap-toothed smile at him. "You didna go away," he said, soft wonder in his voice.

JD smiled back, hugging him closer for a moment. "I'll stay as long as I can, Perry, promise. I like it here with you. Do you want to play more, or maybe I could tell you a story?"

Perry thought. "A story," he announced after a moment.

JD nodded, glancing around. "Where are your storybooks?" he asked without thinking.

Perry looked up at him, tilting his head. "Where's what?"

JD bit the inside of his cheek, wishing even more to take the boy away, get him into a family that'd appreciate how bright he was, and try to nuture it. "Well, that's okay, I know enough stories to tell you without needing the books in front of us. Once upon a time, in a far off land there lived a sad young lad..." And off he went into the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, in as much detail as he could remember, doing voices at the right parts, trying to tell the tale just as his Grandpa had told it first to him.

Perry sat wide-eyed the entire time, a wonderfully reactive audience, gasping at the frightening parts with the giant, giggling when Jack found the palace full of giant food and gold, and bouncing in his seat when Jack defeated the giant by chopping down the stalk. "And they never had to worry about anything ever again," JD finished dramatically, "because they had the giant's gold, and best of all? Jack was able to buy his cow again. And they all lived happily ever after!"

Perry giggled, squirming and rising to his feet. "Let's play that!" he crowed, scouring his room and finally pulling a wooden hanger out of his closet, brandishing it like a sword. "I'll be Jack! And you c'n be the giant 'cuz you're really big, and Billy Bear can be the cow!"

JD laughed, climbing to his feet, watching as Perry once again began to create worlds with nothing but his imagination. But his laugh vanished just as quickly when he suddenly realized the room around him was fading a little, and he was being pulled inexorably toward the faint, rhythmic beeping he could hear in the distance.

_Alarm clock._

"Perry," JD said quickly, urgency in his voice causing the child to pause in his game set up and look back at him, confused. "Perry, I have to go now."

Perry's eyes went wide. "Why? Was I bad?" he asked softly.

"No, no not at all," JD said quickly, falling to his knees and reaching for the boy. "I've had so much fun with you, but I'm waking up at home, now, and I can't stay...But I'll be back. As soon as I can, I promise. With more stories."

Perry only stared at him sadly, a resigned look in his eyes that made him look much, much older than his four years. "'Kay," he said softly. "Bye bye, JD."

JD opened his mouth to reply, but the dream was fading fast, and when the words did come out of his mouth, he found he was slurring them to his empty bedroom, his alarm blinking six oh four. A few seconds later, there was a knock at the door, and Turk stuck his head in, looking annoyed. "Dude, would you wake up and turn that off? This is like my only day off in three weeks and I want to sleep in."

"What...Oh, sorry," JD replied, hitting the alarm. Shit, he was going to be late...He just hoped he hadn't been lying to Perry, telling him he'd be back. He wanted to see the boy again, badly, wanted to help him all he could. Maybe...maybe he could stop by the library, get some storybooks, at least read them and remember the stories, if he couldn't bring them along... "What?"

"I said, you're late, and I don't want to hear you bitching about Cox again tonight, so get going." Turk shut the door and disappeared again, muttering to himself.

JD shook himself and did as he was told, mind still back with Perry. There were some children's books in the playroom in pediatrics, if he recalled correctly. Maybe on his break he'd go take a look at a few of them...

* * *

There were.

During his lunch break, JD had gone down to the ward, and tracked down a small book case full of them. Grabbing a few at random off the top shelf, he tucked them under his arm and headed back to the on-call room, deciding he'd be less likely to be noticed reading _Goodnight Moon_ , _Pickle Things_ , and _Green Eggs and Ham_ than if he tried reading them in the break room.

Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to check who was on call.

"You know, Angela, it's good to finally see you reading intelligence-appropriate literature."

JD jerked, sitting up so quickly he cracked his head on the bunk above him. He cursed, dropping the book-- _Goodnight Moon_ \--and brought his hand to his forehead, rubbing the quickly-growing welt. "Shit, don't you ever _knock?_ "

Cox folded his arms, leaning in the door frame and looking too amused to be put off by JD's snap. "Just tell me you don't get your jollies off on the Berenstain Bears."

JD looked up at him and glowered. "I'm...reading to kids in pediatrics," he muttered.

Cox looked around, surveying the room, then looked back at JD. "Funny," he said lightly. "We don't seem to be in pediatrics, and I've looked, but I just don't see any kids."

"I'm going to read to them _later_ \--you know what, forget it. I'm a little girl, I read children's books, blah blah blah etcetera." JD bent and retrieved the fallen book, feeling too tired to fight with his attending. "Do you want something?"

Cox brushed his nose with his thumb. "You know," he said, voice a little less amused, "it's not as fun when you do that."

JD stood, one hand still covering his forehead. "Yeah, well it's..." he trailed off, suddenly, when he realized he was dizzy; he threw out his other hand, catching himself on the bunk before he fell again, dropping the book to the ground and lowering his hand, frowning when his fingers came away bloody. "Shit..."

Cox sighed, sounding exasperated, but stepped forward. "Let me see."

JD scowled, jerking away, reaching for the book again but staggering, nearly falling. Cox grabbed his arm and dragged him back to his feet, then forcibly pulled JD's hand away from his brow. "Let me _see_ ," he growled.

JD sighed, closing his eyes as the older doctor examined his forehead, fingertips surprisingly gentle against his skin. "Go get a bandage," he said after a minute. "And put some ice on it. You shouldn't need stitches, but for crying out loud, Newbie, try not to knock that skull of yours into any more metal bed frames, would you, please? I need you able to work."

"Then don't startle me," JD muttered, feeling sullen about his injury, but a little less annoyed than he had. At least Cox was being halfway decent...

Cox snorted, bending to retrieve the book, which had fallen halfway under the bed. "All right. Next time I see you're so thoroughly engaged in..." he paused, glancing at the book to read the title, then suddenly frowned, trailing off.

JD waited, shifting from foot to foot, then lifted his eyebrow. "Uh...Dr. Cox?"

"Goodnight Moon?" Cox muttered, frowning as he ran his fingertips over the cover.

"Um...yeah?" What the hell was _this_ all about? JD smirked, suddenly feeling a little mischievous. "It's from pediatrics, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you wanted to borrow it..."

That seemed to snap Cox from whatever weird trance had taken him over. "No," he growled, shoving the book back into JD's chest. "I was just surprised you'd chosen a book with a two-syllable word in the title. Ambitious." He drew away and brushed his hand over his hair, still looking a little distracted.

"I'm doing my best with it," JD replied, smirk fading--Cox actually looked genuinely perturbed about something. "Dr. Cox? Are you okay?"

"Fine," Cox snapped. He looked at JD, eyes flickering up to his forehead, then back to his face. "Go home, Newbie. Take care of that."

"I still have four more hours--"

"I'll cover for you. If you hit your head hard enough to get dizzy when you stood up you don't need to be looking after patients." Cox nodded toward the book. "Take that with you, if you want. Let me know how it ends."

JD lifted his eyebrows, feeling even more surprised. "All right, if...if you're sure. Thanks, Dr. Cox."

He waited for the glare, the whistle, the disparaging remark--but to his shock, Cox just nodded. "Whatever. Go home, kid." Then, spinning on his heels, he turned and walked back out of the room.

JD frowned, glancing down at the cover of the book in his arms. What on earth had _that_ been all about?

Then, deciding he wasn't going to stick around long enough for Cox to change his mind, he grabbed the other books from the bedspread and, stopping only long enough to tell Carla where he was going, headed back out to his car. No way he was going to complain about half a day off, after all...

* * *

Perry loved the books.

JD memorized them easily--med school had given him enough practice with that--and the next time he visited, that very night, he'd recited them to him, in dramatic voice, acting out what he could. Perry giggled, gasped, clapped and cheered, and JD beamed, feeling a swell of pride that he'd made the child so happy. He'd decided the best way to handle the dreams would be to try to do what needed to be done in them. If his subconscious gave him an unhappy child, well...JD would do his damndest to cheer him up. He wished, more than ever, that he could actually physically help the boy--take him out of the situation, or at least bring him toys or food or books.

But as time passed, he grew to accept he couldn't. He settled for being Perry's playmate, confidante, and more frequently than he cared for, his comforter, when Perry'd had a run in with his father. He found himself having dreams about the child several times a night, sometimes more, and he even occasionally seemed to drift into them during the day, though the amount of time spent with Perry never seemed to match the time he was lost in his daydreams. In fact, no one else even seemed to notice he was having them, even when he'd been gone for what felt like hours. He'd drift off, and snap back to reality to find himself still standing in line at the cafeteria, or watching the same commercial that had been on before his fantasy. He thought about mentioning them to someone, wondering if he might be suffering some kind of psychosis, but something made him refrain. Maybe it was the fact that the dreams themselves didn't seem to be hurting anyone, or maybe it was because he'd come to love Perry like he was a real child--he didn't know. Either way, he found himself looking forward to the dreams, even the ones where he had to deal with the aftermath of one of Perry's beatings.

About a month after the first dream had happened, JD found himself standing in a bedroom that was no longer that of a sad young child. The toys were gone, and the room was startlingly bare; however, it was a good deal more crowded than usual. The reason for that became quite obvious, when JD noticed the crib standing alongside Perry's bed.

Currently there was a small child standing in it, two or three from the looks of her, hands gripping the railing. She giggled at him, waving her arms and cooing, and JD couldn't help feel a smile creeping onto his face.

"You must be Paige," he said, reaching out and stroking the girl's cheek.

She giggled again, a high-pitched sound, and JD started to smile back when he suddenly heard the sound of hurried footsteps, and a panicked voice, "Paige, be quiet, Daddy's sleeping...!"

The door swung open, and JD found himself looking at... Perry, it had to be Perry, but he was a good two or three years older than the Perry JD had seen the previous night. He stood nearly to JD's hip, and his curly hair was wilder than ever, but he was somehow scrawnier than he'd been at four, the baby fat melted away and leaving a lean, half-starved child in its place.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Then Perry turned and shut the door, approaching slowly, looking half afraid, half desperately hopeful. "JD?" he whispered. "Is it you?"

JD nodded, feeling his throat tightening, and dropped to his knees, putting himself level with the boy. "It's me, Perry," he murmured, swallowing. "Have I been gone a long time? I didn't mean to be..."

Perry stared at him for a second, then raced forward, throwing his arms around JD's neck and hugging him tightly. He was shaking a little, JD noted as he wrapped his arms around him in return. "You were gone for _ever_!" Perry whimpered, tightening his hold. "I thought you didn't like me anymore."

JD hugged him as close as he could, rubbing the boy's back lightly, pushing back tears of his own. "Oh no, Perry. No, I like you so, _so_ much. I just can't always pick when I see you. I'm so sorry I left you alone." He swallowed, feeling the boys ribs through the fabric of his t-shirt, and held him tighter. "I'm so, _so_ sorry."

Perry sniffled, pulling back and scrubbing at his cheeks hastily. "But you're really real?" he asked, when he looked up again. His blue eyes were wide and confused, but hopeful. "You're real, right? You're not... you're not imaginary?"

"I'm real," JD promised him softly, but firmly. "I don't know how I get to come see you, but I promise I'm real." JD decided, looking at the boy's tear-stained face, that he didn't care if he was going crazy, he wasn't denying Perry this comfort.

Perry shuffled his feet, looking down. "Miss Kinnegan said you was imaginary," he said softly. "She's my kinnergarten teacher. We was supposed to talk about our favorite friend, and I talked about you, and she said it didn't count because you wasn't real."

"I think I'm a special kind of real," JD replied, sitting down. "Grownups can't see me, but you and Paige can. So I'm kind of a secret, just between us. Not that you can't tell grownups about me, but they might not understand..."

Perry frowned, sitting down cross-legged in front of him. "Like magic?" he said, tilting his head, picking at a thread of carpet and glancing up at JD.

"Yeah," JD replied, smiling a little. "Like magic. Magic's real, but not everyone believes in it. And sometimes it gets harder to find, when you get older. But you and me...we know it's there, right?"

Perry nodded, grinning. "Uh-huh," he agreed. Then he paused, eyes widening. "You're... you're not a _ghost_ , are you...?"

JD giggled, and shook his head. "Nope. I'm a doctor."

"Really?" Perry said, awe in his voice. "Davey Patterson's daddy is a doctor, and they live all the way across the town in a huge house. I got to see it once 'cuz his mom made him invite the whole class over for his birthday. I made him a card, but I don't think he liked it very much." He frowned, slumping a little, looking confused. "I used all the best colors..." he trailed off, then shrugged. "But you're a for real doctor?"

JD had to resist the urge to hug Perry again. The boy didn't make it easy. He meant so well, and tried so hard, and simply couldn't understand when things didn't go right...He reminded JD a lot of himself, when he was little, in that way. "I'm a for real doctor. I listen to people's hearts, and look in their eyes and noses, and ask them lots of questions, and then? I figure out what's wrong with them and make them better. It's like a detective hunt, every day."

Perry's eyes were wide. "Wow," he breathed. He paused, looking down at his shoes, then glanced up at JD again. "Do... do you think I could be a doctor too?"

"If you want to, I'm _sure_ you could," JD said firmly. "You're a very smart boy, Perry, I think you can do whatever you want to. It'd be a lot of work, but it's a lot of fun, too. And you get to really help people."

Perry considered this, wrapping his arms around his lanky knees. Then he looked up. "I can make it better when somebody hurts?" he ventured.

JD nodded. "You can. And when they're sick." He hesitated then, wanting to tell the boy that sometimes, he got to make sure someone didn't get hurt again, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say it.

Perry nodded slowly. "That's what doctors do," he said, as though summing it up for himself. Then he glanced up again. "I bet you're a really good doctor," he said.

JD felt himself blush, feeling inordinately pleased by the child's conviction. "I'm trying to be."

"You always make me feel better," Perry mumbled, looking shy. He kept his gaze fixed on the carpet, cheeks going faintly pink.

"Good," JD said softly. "I want to. I like getting to see you, Perry. Like being your secret friend."

Perry looked up again. "Will you have to go away again?" he asked softly.

"I hope not," JD replied, scooting closer. "I don't want to. But I can't control when I see you. It'd be lots more, if I could."

Perry nodded, snuggling up next to JD and hugging him. "I miss you when you go away," he said softly.

JD swallowed. "I miss you too," he said gently. "But whenever it's my choice I'll be with you, okay?"

Perry nodded. "'Kay," he murmured.

* * *

It wasn't Perry's home, but JD knew it was one of those dreams; there was a gritty, realistic feel to them that was unmistakable, and instantly distinguishable from the others.

He was standing in what was clearly an elementary schoolyard, on the sidelines of a baseball diamond. Around him, six-year-olds scampered madly about, giggling as they raced around the bases or came up to bat. The batting helmets were absurdly large on them, sliding over their eyes half the time and probably creating more of a hazard than they were preventing, but that didn't seem to bother the kids.

JD felt a smile slip onto his face, watching, trying to discern which grubby child was Perry. After a moment, however, a slow, rhythmic creaking noise from behind him caught his attention, and he turned, feeling his heart plummet.

Perry sat alone on a swing set, legs barely long enough to let his feet touch the dirt beneath him idly kicking, letting him swing a little bit back and forth. His head was ducked down, and he was picking at a hangnail; he hadn't noticed JD's arrival.

JD sighed, heart aching, passing a hand over his hair. He'd hoped Perry at least had friends at school, could be a normal kid away from the hell his father put him through. It was a good thing, he reflected, that he couldn't touch that man. He might've had to kill him, Hippocratic oath be damned.

He walked over in front of the swing set, sitting down before Perry, heart tightening and anger stirring when he saw the large fading bruise across the small boy's forehead, over his right eye. "Hi," he stage-whispered.

Perry jumped, lifting his head, and his face broke into a tremulous smile when he saw JD--one that didn't quite hide the embarrassed flush that spread across his cheeks. "Hi," he whispered back.

JD wondered what he could say, again feeling the pressure of keeping Perry's spirit's up. It was harder, now that he was older, and would only get worse, the more Perry saw, the more he lost the idealism and hope of his childhood.

He sighed internally, again pushing away the wish to fix everything for the boy. There was only so much he could do, and he'd have to settle for doing that as best he could. Just like at the hospital...

"Want a push?" he asked finally.

"No thank you," Perry murmured. He bit his lip, eyes flickering up to his classmates on the baseball diamond then quickly back down again. "They had too many people," he explained.

JD sighed, nodding. "They had too many people when I wanted to play, too," he confided. "My brother always said so."

"Really?" Perry finally looked up at him, a shock of curly hair falling onto his forehead and partially obscuring the bruise. "They wouldn't let you play either?"

JD reflected ruefully that he'd never before been _grateful_ for being the dorky, unpopular kid whose older brother wouldn't let him hang out with his friends. "No," he said solemnly. "I'd try to play by myself, but it's not the same, huh?"

Perry shook his head, looking down at his shoes. "No," he said quietly. "I don't wanna play on the swings. I wanna play baseball."

JD looked around, but there were several adults keeping an eye on things. And a boy playing catch with an invisible person was sure to attract notice... Damn. "I'm sorry, Perry. I wish I could make this better, too."

"It's okay," Perry said, shrugging. "I can play baseball in gym. Coach almost always makes them put me on a team." He frowned. "Sometimes I have to be the scorekeeper, but sometimes everybody has to be the scorekeeper, so that's okay, I guess. Except Davey Patterson. He's never scorekeeper." Perry sighed, frown deepening. "I don't like him very much," he admitted.

JD nodded in sympathy. "Are you good at baseball?" he asked.

Perry shrugged. "Sort of, I guess. I'm not _bad_ , so I don't know why they don't let me play...I'm a pretty good catcher."

"I wasn't any good," JD said ruefully. "I wanted to be, but I couldn't run fast enough, and I always dropped the ball."

"That's 'cause you got to practice," Perry informed him, face quite serious. "If you never play you can't get no better 'cause you can't practice." He emphasized the word 'practice' subtly, voice taking on a slightly different tone, and JD bit back a smile, wondering just who the young boy was parroting. His gym coach, perhaps? Certainly not his father.

Thoughts of Perry's father made the smile fade a little. "That's true," he said, nodding. "I guess I never got enough practice, because they didn't usually let me play in gym, either."

Perry looked at him, eyes wide. "How come?"

"My mom was afraid I'd get hurt," JD replied, shaking his head. "I had trouble breathing, sometimes, when I was real little, and she didn't want me to make it worse. So I had to sit and watch."

"Oh," Perry said, frowning. "Well, then I guess it'd be hard to get good at it if you never got to play at all. I sometimes get to play. And also sometimes I can get a ball at home and throw it up really high and practice catching it. It's not a real baseball ball," he confided, "but that's probaly good 'cause I don't have a glove to catch it and catching a real baseball ball without a glove _hurts_ sometimes."

JD nodded. "It really does. But maybe sometime we can play catch, when we're at your house, if no one's watching. I'm still not really good at baseball, but I'm better than when I was little."

Perry's eyes went huge. "Really?" he breathed, a grin growing slowly on his face. "You mean it? We can play catch?"

JD nodded. "Yeah! We just have to make sure no one's watching." Not that that was hard. Perry was left almost completely to himself, at home, his parents not seeming to care what he got up to, as long as he didn't break anything. Or make too much noise.

"Okay!" Perry grinned, squirming a little in the seat. "We can go in the back yard 'cause there's more room and it's got a tree we can make pretend is a base and find some rocks for the others and maybe a stick for a bat, too!"

JD grinned widely, about to respond, when suddenly a female voice spoke up from behind them. "Hey, weirdo, who are you talking to?"

He turned to see a girl with brown pigtails and a pink-and-white flowered dress sneering at them, freckled nose wrinkled disdainfully.

Perry flushed, scowling. He didn't turn around, but JD could see the way he stiffened, fingers gripping the rusted chains so tightly his knuckles turned white. "Nobody," he muttered.

"Yuh-huh, I heard you!" The girl countered, and a couple other girls came up behind the first, giggling. They moved around the swingset, standing in front of Perry. The first girl planted her hands on her hips. "Is it your magnaniary friend?"

"No!" Perry said, flushing darker. "Leave me alone, Bethany."

"I bet it is. I bet it's DJ!"

"JD!" Perry corrected automatically, then cringed, realizing he'd fallen into their trap.

The girl giggled, and started chanting, "Crazy Perry, Crazy Perry!"

"Shut up!" Perry shouted, springing up from the swings and darting forward, hands curled into fists.

"Perry!" JD hissed, eyes wide; he jumped from his own swing and moved forward, putting one arm around Perry to hold him while the girls scattered, shrieking.

Perry was trembling beneath JD's arm, tears of anger slipping down his face.

JD held him close as he slumped back, sitting on the ground. No yard duty seemed to be interested in the sudden scattering of girls, since none of them kept screaming, and soon no one was paying attention to them any longer. "You know you're not crazy, right?" JD asked softly, rubbing one hand over Perry's arm. "They're wrong." He slid his hand down, cupping it around one of Perry's small fists, rubbing and massaging gently until the boy's fingers opened again. "But hitting is wrong, too, even if they do make you angry. It's _never_ okay to hit someone."

Perry swallowed. "I know," he said softly. "I'm sorry, JD. Please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad," JD said softly, hugging him closer. "I'm not mad at you at all. A little mad at the girls for being mean to you, but not at you. But you have to promise me to remember not to hit. It's hard sometimes, even for me, even now. But you have to keep from doing it. You can't ever take it back, if you hit someone. You can say you're sorry when you say something mean, and fix it. But hitting...it's different. It's harder to fix."

Perry's hand went unconsciously to the bruise on his face, and he nodded, biting his lip. "Okay," he promised softly.

Just then the bell rang, and the kids on the playground began to reluctantly file back toward the building. Perry swallowed, looking at JD. "Do I have to go?" he whispered.

JD nodded, hugging him again. "You do. I wish you didn't, but you do. But I'll be back soon, and we can play catch."

Perry smiled, tremulously. "Promise?"

JD nodded again. "Promise," he said. "And Perry? I'm really proud of you. You're a really good kid, and I'm lucky to be friends with you."

Perry squirmed, looking embarrassed but pleased at the praise, then glanced over his shoulder. When it was clear no one was watching him, he reached into his pocket. "I made you something," he said, pulling out a thrice-folded piece of bright yellow construction paper. "But don't open it yet, okay?"

JD took the paper, wishing there was some way he could take it with him. "Okay," he promised. "Now go into class, Perry. I'll see you later." He watched the small boy trudge away, hands buried in his pockets, and sighed, lowering his eyes to the still-folded piece of paper. Now he had to add the other kids to the list of people who'd hurt his boy. As though that list weren't long enough already.

JD could only pray it didn't get any longer.

* * *

The sound of his alarm clock pulled him rapidly to consciousness, and he groaned, rolling over to hit the snooze button. He closed his eyes, trying to get the dream back, wanting desperately to see what was on the yellow piece of paper, but he couldn't fall back asleep. He sighed, opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling.

He knew this was getting to be a little bit ridiculous. He'd been having these... well, visions, for lack of a better word, for over two months now, and he'd been studying medicine long enough to know that symptoms like these weren't to be taken lightly. He wondered if it were some sort of stress-induced acute onset schizophrenia. There were medications for that, he knew, but... he couldn't help feeling he'd be betraying Perry, if he took them. Perry got called crazy for believing in him, after all...surely he owed the kid that much in return?

 _Oh, fuck, Dorian..._ He moaned, bringing his hands up to cover his face. _Please tell me you're not feeling loyalty to a hallucination...?_

But he was. He sighed, knowing he needed help. Maybe he'd talk to the hospital shrink today...

He sat up, blinking, trying to decide if it was worth the extra effort to shower, when his fingers brushed something, knocking it onto the floor.

He frowned, reaching for the lamp ad flipping it on, then froze.

Half-hidden beneath the bed lay a folded piece of bright yellow construction paper.

"No fucking way," he whispered, half afraid to reach for it, certain if he did it would vanish. But when a minute passed, then two, then five, and the paper was still there, he reached forward with trembling hands and scooped it up. Then, slowly, he unfolded it.

A crayon drawing of two figures, one short with curly red hair, one tall with dark spiky black hair, smiled back up at him. They were holding stick-figure hands, waving under a brightly colored rainbow, a sun that had been defined with a black outline, a few puffy clouds, and some v's JD assumed were birds. Underneath, in a childish scrawl, Perry had written, "Best friends."

But that wasn't what made JD's breath catch in his throat, or what made him yelp, dropping the paper as though it had caught on fire.

Beneath the words "best friends," written in silver crayon, were the words: "To JD, love Perry Cox."

JD closed his eyes again, shaking his head. He had to have read it wrong, that was all. It'd be a different last name when he opened his eyes.

Hesitantly he cracked one eyelid, then the other. Then opened his eyes fully, reaching down and picking up the paper gingerly and unfolding it once more.

It was still staring up at him. Perry Cox. And how many Perry Cox's were there in Pittsburgh, in the late 1960s? He'd been ignoring the anachronisms in his visions, most of the time, but he'd known from the start that whenever they were taking place, it wasn't now.

And Perry wasn't exactly a common name. JD could even recognize a resemblance, in the angry father he'd seen more often than he wanted to, now that he thought of it. No wonder Dr. Cox's rants had reminded him of Perry's father...

"No. No, dude, you're just going nuts," he murmured to himself, wondering if that was true. Wondering if maybe he'd drawn the picture himself, just to fill in the sick fantasies he couldn't get rid of. Didn't want to get rid.

But God, if the visions were real...no wonder Cox was an ass, if that had been his childhood. JD felt a sudden sharp ache, seeing his mentor's behavior in an entirely new light. Seeing the efforts to ward off friendly advances not as the gesture of a prickly social recluse, but as the defensive strategy of an abused idealist. The rants, the name-calling, all of it...they were ways to drive people away, to keep them from getting close enough to hurt him the way he'd been hurt time and time again as a child.

JD's eyes suddenly went wide, as another memory struck him. "Oh holy fuck..." he whispered to himself. "I told him he'd be a good doctor..." He looked at the paper again, and his alarm clock, then did the only rational thing he could think of.

He called in sick.

* * *

JD knew he had to talk to someone about this. He was going to go nuts, if he couldn't. Well...more nuts than he probably already was, at least. And he could only think of one person who wouldn't immediately call the psychiatric hospital and have him admitted.

It still wasn't going particularly well.

"Are you _crazy_?" Turk asked him for the fifth time. He was sitting on the couch, holding the crayon drawing in his hand and staring at JD, who was pacing like a caged animal.

JD ran a hand back through his hair, shrugging. "Maybe? I don't know. I'd swear I didn't draw that, but then how did I get it? I mean...time travel's impossible, anyway, and I don't _go_ anywhere, right? You would've noticed if I did; it's happened often enough when you're around..."

"You mean when you stare off in the distance and whatnot, then come back and blurt something totally random?" Turk frowned. "I thought you said those were just weird daydreams."

"Sometimes they are," JD admitted, sighing and plunking down into the armchair. "But these...they're faster. I don't lose any time, just the thread of the conversation...And God, Turk, he's such a sweet little kid, and he needs someone to care about him so badly..." He shook his head, pushing himself up to pace again. "I can't see how I would've made him up. My dad wasn't great, but he never hit me. If he had an older brother beating up on him, I'd totally think it was just my own delusions, but this..."

"Perry Cox?" Turk said, staring at the paper again. "You're telling me that _Perry Cox_ drew a picture for you with sunshine and rainbows and birdies and fluffy white clouds? Dr. Cox?"

"Give him a break, he's six..." JD almost laughed, when he'd realized what he'd just said. "And...yeah, I guess I am. It all...all adds up, in a really twisted way. He never calls me by my real name, I know he grew up in Pittsburgh, he's the right age...And I did tell the kid he could be a doctor if he wanted to. But what do I do now? I could drift off into one of those things any time, and I'll have to go back to work eventually..."

"For the record, I think this is crazy," Turk said, waving a finger at JD. "But look... you said these visions are going chronologically, right?" When JD nodded, Turk pursed his lips. "I think they'll end, at some point," he finally said. "I mean... if he's getting older, then eventually you'll catch up to now, and they'll be over. Right?" He spread his hands, eyebrows lifted.

JD considered, wondering why the thought of not seeing little Perry again was such a painful one to him. "I guess so..." he said, running a hand through his hair again. "But... what the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime? Pretend nothing's happening?"

" _Exactly_ ," Turk said. He stood, taking JD by the shoulders. "Look, man, I love you," he said. "But if you tell _anyone_ about this, they'll put you away so fast there'll still be a JD-shaped hole in the air in front of whoever you decided to tell."

"Can't argue with that," JD agreed, slumping a little. "Okay. I guess..." he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I guess I just pretend I'm not clinically insane." He half-smiled. "Maybe it won't be too hard. It's not like Cox acts much like Perry, anyway..."

Still, part of him ached deeply, knowing that Dr. Cox might be that sweet, helpless little boy. JD wanted so much more for him, than that bitter, lonely existence...

It occurred to him, as he wandered into the bathroom to shower, that he wasn't sure if he meant Perry the child, or Dr. Cox the man.

* * *

The crib was gone. In its place stood another bed, one which left only about a foot of walking space between them.

JD looked around hesitantly, feeling his heart sink, wondering just how much time had gone by this time. The last he'd seen of six-year-old Perry had been that day on the playground, when he'd been given the drawing. For him, that was yesterday. For Perry, it had obviously been quite a while longer.

He swallowed, feeling a little nervous. Learning exactly who Perry was in his own world had certainly been a shock, and he'd been afraid--no, terrified, even--to see the child again, afraid his feelings about Dr. Cox would interfere with the way he'd treat the boy. It wasn't fair, he knew; after all, Cox might be an ass, but Perry was just a kid, and it wasn't fair to behave differently around him based on the man he would one day become. Especially now that JD knew the reasons. But he was still nervous, hoping Perry wouldn't...wouldn't realize what JD had figured out: that they knew each other, in JD's time, or worse, that JD hadn't particularly liked him.

God, that'd be all the kid needed: finding out his own imaginary friend didn't like him.

JD shook his head sharply, frowning at himself. Of course he liked Perry. In fact, he liked Dr. Cox. He was just...not the easiest person to get along with, that was all. But that didn't mean JD didn't like him. It was just a complicated sort of liking, that was all.

And he _was_ an amazing doctor...

But fuck, it was so hard to imagine the Perry he knew becoming Dr. Cox; hard to imagine the bright-eyed, irrepressible child who just wanted to play catch and have a friend becoming the callous, prickly physician who sneered at every attempt JD made to get closer to him and couldn't even bring himself to call JD by his real name.

The sound of a door slamming from across the house made him jump, interrupting his thoughts, and he spun just in time to see Perry limping into the room, arm held tight against his body.

He looked awful. He had to be at least nine or ten; he'd grown about six inches since JD'd last seen him, though his hair was much shorter. He was bruised, not just his eye this time but his cheek, his neck, and along his arms--strange, oblong red bruises that were maybe half an inch across and an inch long.

_Finger impressions._

JD fought the urge to curl his hands into fists, the hatred for Perry's father welling up so suddenly and sharply it frightened him a little. Any misgivings he'd had about how he'd react to seeing Perry vanished instantly; all he really wanted to do was draw the child into his arms and protect him, make everything bad in his life go away once and for all.

Perry's eyes widened when he saw JD, and for a long moment he stood frozen, but unlike the last time he'd seen him after a gap, the boy didn't race forward or give JD a hug. Instead, once he'd recovered from the apparent shock of seeing JD, Perry just glowered. "What do _you_ want?" he asked bitterly.

JD sat down on Perry's bed, his heart aching. Maybe it wasn't so strange after all, if this boy turned into the Dr. Cox he knew...and there was certainly a familiar tightness around his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said softly, knowing a great deal of the dynamic had shifted. Perry simply wasn't the same child any longer. He'd seen too much, now, and JD knew it, just from the look in his eyes.

"Sorry for what?" Perry snapped. "For abandoning me, or for lying to me?"

JD frowned. "I never lied to you. But yeah, for not being here."

Perry curled his lip into a sneer. "You never lied to me? So all that stuff about caring about me, about me being a good kid, that I could do anything I wanted--you're trying to tell me that wasn't a load of crap?"

"I also told you it wouldn't be easy," JD said reminded him gently, trying to ignore the pain Perry's words were causing. At least the sneer was familiar... "And no, it's not crap. I _do_ care about you. And of course you're a good kid," he added evenly. "So no, I never lied to you. But I _am_ sorry I haven't been here," he added. "I told you I can't...I can't control it..." but even as the words left his mouth, JD wondered how true they were. After all, it was after he'd learned who Perry was that he'd suddenly stopped having visions for nearly a day. Maybe...maybe he was influencing it somehow, subconsciously. The thought sent an extra pang of guilt through his heart.

"I _needed_ you!" Perry cried angrily, stamping his foot. "I needed you, and you left! We...we were going to...to play catch..." his voice cracked, and he lowered his head, face screwing up pitifully as he fought the tears that were making his shoulders shake and his face flush red.

JD squeezed his eyes shut. "I know," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, Perry, and I...I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me, either. Especially since I can't promise it won't happen again...All I can say is I would've been here if I'd had a choice." He felt a tear slip free, and brushed it away irritably.

Perry moaned, and finally stopped fighting his tears. He dropped slowly to his knees, gasping a little. "I just want it to stop," he whimpered, voice tight with pain. "I want him to _stop_!"

JD slipped off the bed, but didn't move any closer, even if his every instinct was crying out to check the boy over, see how badly off he was. "If there was any way I could make him..." he whispered, then bit his lip, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Perry. I'm so sorry I can't take you away from this, fix it for you. I want to. I want to so much, but I can't, and I'm sorry..." JD didn't think he'd ever felt quite so helpless. At least, when he lost a patient, he'd done everything he could. But here...what could he really do? He couldn't even promise to be there when Perry needed him. He sighed heavily. "You'll be bigger than he is, soon. He might stop then..."

Perry laughed, a bitter, humorless sound. "But you said it was _wrong_ to hit," he said, voice bitter. "Remember? Or were you so busy being a doctor you even forgot what you told me?"

"It is wrong, but if someone thinks you can kick their ass, they usually won't press the issue," JD replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And just because it's wrong doesn't mean it's not tempting sometimes, especially when someone's hurting someone you love." He cracked his knuckles absently, mind running in familiar circles. It was getting worse, but...what could he do? Tell Perry to go to a school counselor? Probably useless. The police? The hospital? No guarantee it'd work, and things would be worse when he ended up back home again.

Perry frowned, then, looking up, and there was a strange glimmer in his eyes, beneath the pain and bitterness and fear--something akin to hope. "S-someone you... love?" he whispered.

JD nodded, looking over at him. "Didn't you know that? I should've said..." he shook his head, and scooted just a little bit closer, looking Perry very seriously in his eyes. "I love you, kid," he said softly, not even the least bit surprised to realize he meant it, with all his heart. "I'd take you away from this in a second, if I could, I swear."

"You love me?" Perry whispered, looking lost. "B-but...I... _no_ one..." he trailed off, shaking his head slowly.

"I do," JD said firmly, the conviction growing more solid in his heart. "I know I'm not the same as someone who's here all the time, but I do. I love you."

Perry stared at him for a long moment. Then, hesitant, he slid closer. JD watched, but didn't make a move; when Perry was close enough, he released a shuddery sigh and leaned heavily against JD's side, head resting on JD's shoulder.

"I love you, too," he mumbled. "I wish you didn't have to go, but I'm not mad at you. M'sorry I said I was."

JD carefully slid his arm around Perry, every aware there were probably more bruises beneath the dirty t-shirt that he wasn't aware of. "I wish I didn't have to go, either," he said gently. "And you can be mad at me, if you want. What you feel is always okay. It's what you do about how you feel that can be bad. And I'm mad at me, too," he confessed. "I want to be here for you, and I'm sad and sometimes a little mad when I can't be."

"Take me with you," Perry said suddenly, pulling back and looking up into JD's face, his eyes wide and more than a little desperate. "Please? I...I don't want to stay here. I'll be real quiet, really really quiet--you won't even know I'm there, I promise. Please..." his voice hitched, and his eyes filled with tears, but he did not lower his gaze. "Please don't leave me here."

"God, Perry, if I knew how, I would've done it when we first met..." JD's own eyes were full of tears, and he hugged the boy closer. "I can't. I don't know how...I swear, Perry, I would. If I knew, I would. I _hate_ that I can't take you away from all this."

Perry looked up at him, face confused. "But you're a grownup," he said, sounding a little lost. "I thought grownups always knew what to do."

JD smiled sadly, and shook his head. "We don't," he murmured, sighing heavily. "Sometimes being a grownup isn't any easier than being a kid. They just tell you it will be."

Perry slumped against him, face falling. "Yeah, okay," he murmured, voice dull. "I didn't think you could, anyway..." He sighed, wrapping his arms around JD's waist. "Don't go away for a few more minutes?" he asked. "If you can stay?"

"I'll stay as long as I can," JD replied, hoping six am and his alarm was a long way away. "Do you still want to be a doctor?" he asked softly, after a few moments.

Perry swallowed, lowering his head. "I don't think I can," he said sadly.

JD frowned, pulling back and glancing down at him. "Why not?"

"I'm not getting good grades at school," Perry admitted softly, cringing as though JD would punish him for this.

JD smiled slightly. "Perry, they don't check your scores from fourth grade when you apply to medical school," he said, fighting the urge to chuckle. "You've got plenty of time to pull things up, if you want to. When you get older, you can stay after school at the library and study there, do your homework there, too. And I don't know how often I can be here, but I'll help as much as I can. Is there anything in particular you're having trouble with right now?"

Perry pulled back again, expression suddenly hopeful. "Spelling," he said softly. "And r-reading. I don't... Dad gets mad when I read at home, so I don't usually get my assignments done."

JD frowned. "He gets mad?" he repeated.

Perry sighed. "He says reading is for..." he hesitated, glancing around, then whispered, "faggots."

JD lifted his eyebrow. "That's not a nice word," he said softly, and Perry nodded, looking down.

"I know," the boy said. "That's what he said though, not me. He doesn't like people who read a bunch."

"I'll bet he's not very good at it, huh?" JD asked, shaking his head. "Well. You've probably got a little time in the afternoons before he gets home from work, right? And can you go to bed early? Because you can read under your blankets, if you've got a little flashlight. You can read on the playground, at lunch and at recess, if you want to, too. There are lots of ways to sneak it in. I used to, all the time. It won't be easy," he cautioned. "But it's worth it. If you get good grades, you can get out of here. You can get a scholarship, to college, and move away as soon as you're out of high school. I know it still seems like forever, now, but it's something to work for."

"You'll really help me?" Perry asked, looking up at him again.

"As much as I can," JD promised. "I think you'll be an _amazing_ doctor, Perry." He bit back a smile at the irony of those words--he, after all, knew just how amazing a doctor Perry would be. But he didn't let that show; instead, he lifted his eyebrows, reaching out with the knuckle of his index finger and chucking Perry's chin affectionately.

Perry smiled slowly, reaching up and wiping at his cheeks. "Th-thank you," he whispered, voice high and childish; he hunched a little closer, lowering his head shyly, looking embarrassed but pleased.

JD smiled back, if sadly, and he reached up to stroke the child's wayward curls. "You're welcome," he murmured.

* * *

It came as a relief to JD when, over the next few days, he found himself visiting Perry with relative consistency. Though his visits, to him, were only a few hours or sometimes even a few minutes apart, for Perry, he was there about once a week; he tutored the child when he could, helping him work through his reading materials and even teaching him some new techniques for his mathematics courses. Biology was trickier, because Perry's text was wrong about several things; JD didn't wish to teach him incorrectly, of course, but he knew he would have to, if Perry was to make the grades he'd need. So he gritted his teeth and plowed through it, and it came of no surprise to him that Perry, who finally had someone to encourage and support him, began to excel in his classes. Teachers who'd previously written him off began to take note of him too, and Perry began to have mentors in school when JD wasn't able to be there--a fact for which JD was exceedingly grateful.

As time passed, Perry also began to grow much more quickly, and while poor nutrition at home kept him relatively thin, he at least got to the point where he was often able to outrun his father.

That lasted for only as long as it took the bastard to learn Paige was an easier target. After that, Perry began to deliberately divert him, to protect her, which at once made JD swell with a painful sort of pride and seethe with outrage at the sheer injustice of the situation he had to witness but could not change. Instead, he devoted himself to soothing Perry afterward, holding him, wiping away his tears, telling him how to treat his bruises and cuts, watching for symptoms of more serious injuries. He was soothed by the knowledge that Perry would survive the years of abuse--after all, the Dr. Cox he knew was, at least, physically none the worse for wear--but it was difficult nevertheless, watching the eager, hopeful child slowly begin to become the jaded, saddened teenager who would ultimately become the bitter, verbally (though not physically) abusive man.

His comfort, however, soon began to create problems in and of itself. While he was able to touch and soothe the young boy, and even hold him in his arms and rock him, the rest of the people in Perry's world apparently saw nothing more than Perry standing stock-still, a blank and somewhat dreamy expression on his face. When they spoke, Perry was always careful to be quiet, but he was still occasionally overheard, and soon he began to be teased for daydreaming, and for still, at his age, having an imaginary friend. As he got older, turning eleven, then twelve, the mildly annoyed looks on his teachers' faces evolved into concern; Perry was pulled aside more than once and told he had to grow up, and stop pretending he could talk to someone who wasn't really there.

JD'd drawn Perry aside one day, shortly after the boy turned thirteen, and suggested they not speak anymore when they were anywhere but at his home, but since Perry had begun avoiding home at all costs, he wasn't willing to make that sacrifice.

"I'll just be quieter," he insisted. "We can hide in the corner of the library. Please..." he trailed off, scowling at the ground, looking embarrassed but determined. "Please," he said more softly. "You're... you're my best friend. I don't want to stop talking to you."

JD had been unable to deny him, though they had made every effort to keep their talks more discreet; when JD appeared during one of Perry's classes or in an equally public place, he would stand by and offer quiet words of encouragement, or grip his shoulder, but would try to be as unobtrusive as possible.

It wasn't enough, apparently.

Three months after Perry turned thirteen, JD found himself standing next to him in a small office. Perry was sitting in a hard plastic chair, arms crossed over his chest in a gesture that was achingly familiar, if strange to see on the young man. JD glanced around quickly, but apart from a bookshelf and a cluttered desk, the office appeared to be empty.

"What's going on?" he whispered, moving to kneel next to Perry.

"They sent me to the counselor," the boy sighed, glancing at him then back at his feet.

JD felt the blood drain from his face, eyes going wide. "Why?" he murmured, though he feared the answer to that was all too obvious.

Perry's lips twisted wryly. "They think I'm too old to have an imaginary friend," he said. "Basically they think I'm loony."

JD bit back a groan, pinching the bridge of his nose. They should've been more careful... "I'm sorry, kid," he said softly. "I'm really sorry it went this far..."

Perry shrugged. "I'm not," he said. "Not really. It's definitely not the worst thing I've been called."

"Still..." JD bit his lip. He knew he did Perry a lot of good, but the harm he could cause...It worried him more and more. "We'll have to be more careful."

"We're _already_ being careful," Perry argued, then sighed. "Look, I'd rather have a friend and have a few more people think I'm weird than go back to being alone, okay?"

"I know, Perry," JD said softly, sitting back on his heels. "But...things could get even harder for you, if they think you're actually hallucinating. You could be put on drugs you don't need." Then again, he could be sent to a therapist who could get him into a better home life, too... But JD knew that wasn't as likely as it simply making more trouble. "I don't want to leave you alone. It'd kill me to not get to see you. But I don't want to mess things up for you, either."

"You're not," Perry said softly. "You're helping me. I've been doing better in school since you came, and--"

"Perry?" the door suddenly opened, and a stout, gray-haired woman entered, frowning behind a pair of glasses with a gold chain attached to the earpieces. She wore a large, gray turtleneck sweater with a white cat on the front, and a long black skirt. She glanced around the office, then lifted her eyebrows at Perry. "Who were you talking to?"

Perry flushed, looking down. "No one, ma'am," he mumbled.

JD closed his eyes, bringing his hand up to cover them. _So much for being careful..._

The woman frowned at him. "Now, Perry," she said, voice high-pitched and somewhat patronizing as she moved further into the office, shut the door and circled her desk, "it's best if you're honest with me. I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth, can I?"

Perry shook his head sullenly. "No," he agreed.

"Good." She settled herself down behind her desk, sinking into her chair, which creaked vaguely in protest. She flipped through his file, clucking to herself, then said, "Ah, yes. Yes, I see." She flipped the chart closed, and folded her hands across her desk, looking at Perry over the tops of her glasses. "So," she said. "Have ourselves an imaginary friend, do we?"

Perry glanced at JD, eyes begging him for instructions.

JD frowned, watching the woman's eyes flick in his direction, following Perry's eye line. The lines around her eyes deepened. "Perry?" she prompted.

Sighing, JD reached up and squeezed Perry's hand lightly. "Probably best not to look at me, kiddo. And...you can tell her you like to pretend things are different, tell her about me that way, if you want. We know I'm real, Perry, but I don't think she'll believe it."

Perry swallowed, and followed JD's instructions, describing him to the counselor as his ideal buddy--a father figure, in a lot of ways; the older brother he always wanted; a mentor. The woman--Mrs. Johanson, JD read on the plaque on her desk--nodded, taking notes as she went.

But soon, after Perry fell silent, she said, "Perry, I need you to answer me perfectly honestly. Do you think that JD is real?"

Perry's eyes widened; he glanced at JD, unable to stop himself, then looked quickly back up at her. "N-no...?" he whispered, unconvincingly enough that JD couldn't help but wince.

"Mmhmm," Johanson hummed, making a note. "And is he here right now? Is that who you keep looking at?"

"I, um... y-yes..."

"Right. Perry, does JD ever tell you to _do_ things?"

JD cringed, already knowing where this was going, but before he could stop him, Perry answered, "Yeah, all the time."

Johanson's eyebrows shot up, nearly to her hairline. "And what sorts of things does he tell you?" she said, voice careful.

Perry seemed to realize he'd made a mistake; he glanced at JD once more.

"Tell her the truth," JD said softly. "To do your homework, work hard, to be good...There's nothing wrong with any of that." Inwardly, he thought he should've known all this was going to happen, should've known he needed to be more careful. Dammit, he was supposed to be the adult here...

"He... he helps me study," Perry said, voice hesitant at first but growing stronger as he went. "He's a d-doctor, and he said I could be too, and he helps me with my reading and math... when I was younger he told me it was bad to hit, even when I was mad, and he... he told me he loves me."

Johanson's eyes had softened as Perry spoke, and now they were gentle with sympathy. "I see," she said quietly. "Perry, I want you to do one more thing for me."

Perry bit his lip, looking up at her. "Y-yeah...?"

She pulled a piece of paper out of her desk and scrawled something on it. "I've written a short sentence here," she said. "If JD is here, have him come over here and read it to you, so you can tell me what it says. Do you think he can do that?"

Perry's eyes widened, his face splitting into a broad grin. "Yeah," he said, looking up at JD. "You can, right? Then they'll believe me!"

JD bit the inside of his lip, heart aching at the hope in Perry's eyes. "I don't think I should, Perry. Because they might ask you to do it again, when I'm not here. Or they might think you're a clairvoyant, and want to study that..." He sighed, looking into Perry's eyes. "Do you understand? It could make things so much harder for you and I never, _ever_ want to do that."

Perry's face fell slowly, eyebrows drawing together in a look of utter confusion. "But... but they'd _believe_ me," he said. "Then I could... we could talk all the time, and they wouldn't make fun of me..."

"I don't think they'd believe you, Perry," JD said softly. "They think you're sick...that something's unbalanced in your brain. That's why she asked you if I told you to do things. Some people hear voices, telling them to be bad. I could make it a lot worse...I don't want you to get medications you don't need, because of me."

JD couldn't see how he could make Perry understand, and the cold panic he was feeling only increased as the room started to go hazy. He cursed under his breath, making Perry's eyebrows raise up. "Perry, I'm going away, anyway. But I promise, I only want to make things easy for you. We'll talk soon..." And he wasn't sure what made him do it, but just as he felt the whole thing start to fade, he hugged Perry close. "Love you, kiddo."

And then he was in his room, the alarm clock beeping at him unmercifully. "Fuck, fuck, _fuck_!"

* * *

Working with Dr. Cox was getting more and more awkward. JD couldn't quite connect the sweet, lonely child of his visions--flashbacks-- _whatever_ the hell they were--to the callous, bitter man he dealt with on a daily basis. It made him quieter around him, less prone to the random babbling and non-sequitor daydream comments he used to make. Cox, for his part, gave him the occasional odd glance and asked him what his problem was, but other than that didn't make much comment on JD's sudden shift in behavior.

It wasn't until JD gave the attending his report on a nine-year-old with signs of possible abuse that his suspicions began to solidify.

He stood outside the room with the doctor, looking in at the child, who was half-reclined in her bed, staring blankly at a spot on the wall.

Beside him, Cox frowned. "Catatonic?"

JD shook his head. "No, she's responsive, she just...does this, sometimes. And she doesn't seem to hear you, if you talk to her."

"Have you run any CT scans?"

JD shook his head. "No. All her evaluations came back normal, I didn't think there was any need..."

Cox looked over at him, lifting his eyebrows and jerking his thumb in at the child. "No need?" he asked, incredulous. "Look at her, JD. She looks like she's about to start drooling."

"So, maybe she's just daydreaming," JD said, feeling frustrated suddenly. "Look, I've spoken to her, and she seems fine, okay? But the trauma is indicative of abuse, so I thought I'd see if you wanted to report her to social services."

Cox shook his head. "Not until we rule out some sort of mental episode," he said. "Look, if she's unresponsive when she's like this, how do we know her bruises aren't the result of some self-induced stupor and concurrent self-injury?"

JD looked over at him, eyebrows lifted incredulously. "You think she did that to herself?" he said slowly.

"I'm not saying that," Cox snapped. "I'm just saying we have to look at all the possibilities before we go accusing her parents of beating her, okay?"

"Why is this so hard for you to believe?" JD shot back, scowling. "I would think you of all people would understand."

Cox turned to him, frowning, and JD saw something stirring in his eyes. "What?" he said softly.

JD thought fast. "Well...I mean, you fit the profile," he said, falteringly. "For...for a history of abuse..."

Cox's face turned bright red, and he grabbed JD's arm, dragging him into a stair well and slamming the door before turning toward him, livid. "That's a _hell_ of a thing to go _assuming_ about someone, Newbie," he hissed.

JD jerked his arm out of Cox's grasp, rubbing his bicep. "I'm not assuming, I've talked to Carla about you," he replied, frowning. "She told me not to waste my time, but she told me a few things she knew, too. Anyway. I think we should report it to social services, the kid's pretty bad off, and she's got younger siblings." He wasn't sure Dr. Cox would let it go, but the reaction...fuck. Maybe it really _was_ him.

"Fine," Cox snapped, looking a little shaken. "Fine, she's your patient, do what you want. But Newbie, do me a favor, and keep me out of your little gossip circles from now on, all right? My past is none of your damned business."

JD nodded once, curtly, desperately suppressing the urge to giggle. _It's more my business than you think it is, Perry._

"Fine." Cox stood for a moment, then shook his head once, sharply, as though to clear it. "Fine. Go take care of it. I've got to go give a status report to the board..." He blinked, scowling at JD suspiciously, then tilted his head. "Hop to it, Melody."

"No problem." JD just resisted the urge to call the older doctor "Perry." He honestly wasn't sure what reaction it'd get him, and he definitely didn't want to push it.

Dr. Cox nodded swiftly then turned on his heels and walked away, just short of actually running. JD watched him go, blinking, then turned to page whichever social worker was on.

* * *

JD knew something was wrong as soon as the vision started.

First of all, he materialized in the bathroom--something that had never happened before. He wasn't sure exactly what forces were controlling these things, but he'd thus far never happened upon Perry at an awkward moment, and he couldn't imagine any reason Perry would be in the bathroom that _wouldn't_ qualify as awkward.

When he turned around, however, three things came to his attention quite swiftly: one, Perry had aged a lot since he'd last seen him. He was taller, broader, and he bore a much stronger (and rather startling) resemblance to Dr. Cox. JD would probably place him at around fifteen or possibly sixteen, if he'd stopped to think about it. But the second thing prevented him from worrying for too long about the teen's exact age: Perry was sitting hunched over on the toilet seat, face scrunched up, eyes squeezed shut and tears leaking slowly down his face--which, JD noted with dismay, sported a large, purpling bruise around the left eye. Two guesses where it came from.

Why he was crying, however, was at once explained and supplanted by the third and most pressing thing JD noticed: clutched loosely in the trembling fingers of one of Perry's hands, poised over the delicate skin of his wrist, was a long, narrow razor blade. Perry was holding it frozen, tears squeezing out between his clenched lids, and it was obvious to JD he'd probably been sitting like that for awhile, trying to persuade himself--though which way he was trying to persuade himself JD wasn't sure, nor was he sure which side was winning.

Deciding not to give the despairing half a chance to succeed, JD reached out, clasping Perry's wrist, placing his hand between the blade and the boy's skin. He wasn't sure what an injury would do to him, here, but he knew he had to stop this. Dr. Cox didn't have scars on his wrists--not that JD had noticed on purpose, but he did spend a lot of time close to the older doctor's hands, watching him perform various procedures--so whatever he'd done here, in the doctor's past, he had to have done right.

But still, part of him couldn't be sure he wasn't talented enough to screw it up anyway. And bitter and jaded or not, the world needed Perry Cox.

Perry started badly as JD's fingers grasped his wrist, the razor falling from his hand and clattering across the tile to land under the sink. He slid backwards, staring up at JD, wide-eyed and more than a little frightened. "Y-you...you...?"

"Guess it's been awhile, huh?" JD asked, fighting the panicked instincts inside him and forcing himself to sound calm and collected as he squatted down beside the frightened teenager.

Perry jerked his wrist away, flinging himself from the toilet and pressing himself back against the wall, sinking down into a ball in the corner of the bathroom. "Don't touch me," he snapped angrily, tears still flying down his shocked face. "Don't you fucking touch me!"

JD obeyed, sinking back on his heels, though not before checking where Perry was relative to the razor. "All right," he murmured. "I won't touch you." He was silent for a moment, the only sound in the bathroom Perry's ragged breathing amplified by the linoleum and the cheap plastic shower curtains. Then, softly, he said, "I'd ask how you've been, but I don't think I really need to, huh?"

Perry laughed, a harsh, barking sound. "Fucking brilliant," he choked. "No wonder you're a doctor."

JD almost smiled. Well, at least now he sounded like the Perry Cox JD knew...his voice had changed, and was eerily familiar now, as well. "Diagnosing is my strong suit, yeah." He knew Perry was trying to get a rise out of him, but he had plenty of practice in waiting it out. More than Perry himself did, at this point. And JD didn't want to fight, though if Perry worked out some of his anger through yelling at him...JD wasn't about to argue.

Perry just shook his head, burying his face in his arms, body trembling violently. "Go away," he moaned. "Go _away!_ "

JD resisted the urge to go to him, knowing it would only make it worse. "Sorry. I can't. You know that. Can't control when I'm here and when I'm not. Besides...I wouldn't leave right now, even if I could. Not when I think you'd just try again."

"What the _fuck_ do you care?" Perry spat, lifting his head to glare daggers at JD. "What fucking _difference_ would it make, anyway? It would just give you one less pathetic screw-up to magically pop in on and abandon whenever you want." His lip curled in a sneer. "And I know, I know--you can't control when you're here. Like hell you can't. You _always_ vanish when things get rough, and I'm so fucking sick of it!" He slumped, looking away, fresh tears welling from his eyes. "I hate you," he whispered.

JD sighed, leaning his head back against the wall, surprised at how much the teenager's words hurt him. "Sometimes I hate me, too," he murmured softly. He closed his eyes for a long moment, then shook his head slowly. "You're not a pathetic screw-up, Perry," he said. "And I never...I hate that I did abandon you. I can't say I didn't, because I know...it's what happened. But I swear, I can't control when I show up. I...God, you know it's only been a few months since I met you? For me? I don't show up for a day, and it's three fucking years for you...Whoever's controlling this thing sucks ass."

Perry lowered his arms, letting them hang to the floor, staring at his wrists. He sighed, and his face went blank; JD could almost see the wall going back up. "Yeah, fine," he murmured, voice oddly listless.

"So why a razor?" JD asked, after a short silence. "Why not pills, or a gun?"

Perry shuddered. "Dunno," he whispered.

"I was going to use pills," JD offered softly.

At that, Perry finally looked up at him, and though he kept his expression carefully blank, he couldn't hide the interest in his eyes. "Yeah?" he asked softly.

JD nodded. "Yeah. My mom used to have trouble sleeping, so she had these really strong sleeping pills, in the cabinet we weren't supposed to touch. I figured out how many it'd take, and stole them. Kept them in an Altoids tin in my backpack. Was nice knowing it was there, and I could just...escape, if I needed to, if things ever got too rough." He shrugged a little, trying to think how to explain it all.

"I was a nerd, Perry. A dork. And my older brother--who delighted in tormenting me--was the most popular kid in school. High school was hell. And no, my dad didn't knock me around, but plenty of the jocks did. I spent most of those four years bruised and miserable. And..." He hesitated, wondering if he should admit the whole truth to Perry--tell him what had really made him put the pills in that tin. But he quickly decided against it. He couldn't tell the kid something like that. "And I just got tired of it all. I had a definite plan, that one day I'd just come home, take the pills, and Dan'd find me after he got home from hanging out with his friends." His lips twisted wryly at the memory, and he shook his head slowly. "I never even thought they'd care, except to be even more disappointed in me."

"Why... why didn't you do it?" Perry whispered, and his face was captivated now, looking desperate for an answer.

JD actually smiled. "I had this teacher," he said. "Mr. Peters. He noticed I was...out of it, I guess. Started asking me to stay after class, kept talking to me. Had me TA for him. Found out what I was interested in, got me thinking about an actual future, not just where I was." JD's smile turned a little wry. "I told him what I was planning, finally. I had to tell _someone_. And he cared. Helped me see I had two years left, and then I'd be away from everything that was making my life hell. He's the reason I became a doctor. Didn't think I could do it, until him." He looked up at Perry, wondering how all this sounded. It wasn't something he usually talked about.

Perry swallowed, turning away, resting his head against the wall behind him. His arms came up, wrapping themselves protectively around his middle, and he swallowed. Tears welled in his eyes again, but they were of sorrow, this time, not anger. "You're lucky you had someone who c-cared," he whispered, then bit his lip sharply.

"I care about you," JD said softly, his own eyes filling, throat going tight. "It'd kill me, you know, if I came back here and had to go to your funeral. I know I haven't been around much, but...it doesn't mean I don't still love you. I _do._ " He slid forward just a little, leaning toward Perry. "I'm your friend," he said, voice quiet but emphatic. "Nothing's gonna change that."

Perry began to sob quietly, shaking his head slowly. "It hurts," he choked, teeth clenched together tightly. "I just want it to stop. I want..." he trailed off. "I don't want to be alone anymore."

"It's the suckiest feeling in the world," JD agreed, wondering if Perry would let JD touch him yet. Because right now, his arms were almost aching to gather the broken young man close, promise him everything would be all right... "And I know, it feels like it'll be forever...but it won't. I promise..." Even as he spoke, he wondered if he was right. The Perry Cox he knew seemed to pride himself on being alone. _I should've stayed, that night I took him the beer. I really should've..._

Perry drew a deep breath, then released it slowly, finally turning to look JD in the eye again. "I won't kill myself," he said quietly, voice dull. "I don't think I actually would have, anyway, but...well. You can go, if you want to."

"I don't," JD replied, just as softly. "I missed too much time with you...I don't want to miss more."

Perry swallowed, shaking his head slowly. "Every time you come here, I tell myself I won't get my hopes up that you'll really stay," he murmured. "But every time, I do it anyway. I don't hate you," he offered, voice small and trembling with shame. "I want to, sometimes, but... I don't."

"I wish I could stay," JD said, reaching out, then withdrawing his hand after a moment. "I really do. I...I didn't want to get you in trouble, before, but I missed you. Even though it was only a day for me. Fuck..." JD sat back again, running a hand through his hair, wondering what on earth he could say. "I am so sorry, Perry. So much sorrier than I can ever tell you, that I have to go, that I can't...can't take you with me. That I can't fix everything for you."

"I know. I'm just...I'm so tired," Perry whispered. "I... I think I want to sleep."

JD frowned slightly. "Yeah, that's another good way to escape for a while," he said, feeling a small niggle of worry. How often, he wondered, did Perry sleep? How many times was it the only respite he had from the hell that was his life?

"Better than the alternative, isn't it?" Perry mumbled.

"Yeah," JD agreed, smiling wryly. "All right, come on," he said decisively, pushing himself up and offering Perry his hand. He raised an eyebrow when the teenager just looked at it. "I assume you meant sleeping in your bed, not on the bathroom floor?"

Perry sighed, but reluctantly reached up and let JD take his hand. When he pulled him to his feet, he was startled to see Perry was nearly as tall as he was, standing only a few inches shorter. "You've grown," he commented lightly.

Perry's lips twisted wryly. "Another brilliant observation, doctor," he retorted, turning away and pulling the bathroom door open. He shouldered past a put-upon looking blond girl--Paige?--who scowled at him and told him not to hog the bathroom before storming in and slamming the door. JD jumped, but Perry seemed to take the comment in stride, and JD wondered how on earth she hadn't realized her brother's cheeks were streaked with tears, his face drawn and careworn, his shoulders slumped.

_God, no wonder he's so lonely..._

Perry walked into the old bedroom, pausing only to kick off his tattered sneakers before climbing up onto the mattress. He curled around his pillow, looking weary and hurt. "I just...I wish this was over," he whispered, opening his eyes and lifting them to meet JD's.

JD climbed onto the bed beside him, propping his head up on one elbow. "I don't blame you. How long until you can leave for college? Two years?" He wanted badly to give Perry a hug, but he still wasn't sure how it'd be taken.

Perry nodded. "I've already started working on the admissions essays," he confessed, looking sheepish. "Applying to schools in California, mostly. Furthest away from here I can get without going to Alaska."

JD smiled. "I don't blame you. And California is great. No snow, the ocean's right there, if you're on the coast...It's a lot more relaxed, too. I've never regretted going out there." He scooted just a little closer, under the guise of shifting his weight. The bed was small--and lumpy--enough, that it looked natural. He hoped.

"Yeah?" Perry actually smiled a little. "Maybe... maybe I'll see you out there sometime." JD had told him, before, a little about his past, and while neither of them understood how it was they had these times together, Perry had come to accept that JD was real, and living his own life, somewhere. His voice was joking, but there was a part of him that definitely looked hopeful. Surreptitiously, he slid a little closer, eyes flickering to JD's chest and arms for a fraction of a second before moving back to JD's face.

JD held his arms out, smiling slightly. "Come here. And I think...yeah. We might meet up sometime." He wanted to tell Perry they'd know each other very well, but he'd decided early on that he shouldn't tell the boy anything he knew from his future. Besides, Dr. Cox obviously either didn't remember him, or wanted to pretend none of it had ever happened, so what would be the use?

Perry closed the distance between them, lowering his forehead to rest against JD's chest and sighing when JD wrapped his arms snug around him. "Hope so," he murmured, already drifting. His arms snaked around JD's waist, and he squirmed a little, snuggling closer.

"Me too," JD murmured softly. "Me too." He stayed awake until after Perry fell asleep, wiping away the remains of the boy's tears, stroking his hair softly. And prayed that he'd be able to be around a lot, for the next few years. Perry needed him so much...

* * *

To JD's own relief, he did flash back almost immediately after. He woke that morning to find himself wrapped around his pillow and comforter, sighing in disappointment when he realized he was back. But his worry that he'd go back to find Perry in even more trouble was almost immediately assuaged, as he hadn't even made it into the shower before he was back, sitting on Perry's bed, watching the boy sleep.

And when he'd woken, JD discovered that almost no time had passed in Perry's world, either, as it was the same nap during which he'd left.

Perry smiled shyly up at him. "I'm glad you're back," he murmured, flushing a little but holding JD's gaze. "I've... I really missed you."

JD cringed guiltily. "I'm glad I'm back too," he replied softly. _And I hope this time I can stay..._ He paused, glancing down at the threadbare comforter on Perry's bed, then frowned. "Whatever happened with the counselor?"

Perry grimaced. "She called my parents," he admitted. "Said my having an imaginary friend was most likely a result of disappointments in real life relationships, and asked if there was anything they'd noticed that might be contributing to my need for this delusion."

JD hissed. "I'm betting that didn't go over well," he said quietly, and Perry snorted.

"Not exactly," he murmured. "Dad said since I wasn't happy now he'd show me how much worse things could be, and I couldn't walk for about a week. But in fairness, I did stop talking to you." He twisted his lips, shrugging wryly. "Guess it might not've been an entirely bad thing that you weren't here. Eventually the fuss died down, and everyone forgot."

"We'll have to be more careful this time," JD said, resisting the urge to reach out and stroke the curls back from the young man's forehead.

"It'll be easier now," Perry assured him. "I'm old enough that I can be out as long as I like--there are plenty of places we can go where on one will notice me talking to you, or care if they did."

"How old are you?" JD asked, his curiosity awoken again, now that the immediate danger from before had been defused.

"I turn seventeen in two months," Perry answered.

JD shook his head slowly, trying to hide his surprise and glad he hadn't guessed. Perry was lanky enough to be fifteen. "I was gone for a long time," he murmured, mostly to himself, but when Perry snickered at him he couldn't help reaching out and swatting his shoulder lightly. "I know, I know--brilliant observation. But you have to realize it's strange for me, to be gone for a day or an hour and come back to find I've missed almost four years."

"You didn't miss anything worth discussing," Perry said, sobering again and looking away. "Would've been easier, in a lot of ways, if you'd been here, but... it would've been harder too. And you're back now," he added, eyes flickering back up to JD, full of hesitant hope; one hand uncurled from where it had been clutching his bed sheets and crept forward to slip shyly into JD's.

JD nodded. "And I will be, as long and as often as I can manage it," he replied, squeezing Perry's fingers gently. "I promise."

* * *

Fortunately, this time, JD was able to keep that promise. Over the next two weeks (for him), he found himself visiting Perry frequently, often up to twelve or thirteen times a day, and usually just as many times a night. His visits were longer, too, stretching for several hours at a time in some cases, though fortunately when he returned, he'd never lost track of what he'd been doing before he left; none of his friends noticed his absences, and he began to recognize the signs for when one was about to begin--blurred vision, muffled sound, distorted light--so they no longer took him by surprise quite so often.

Any lingering doubts about whether it was the same Perry Cox had long since faded, and now vanished as the teenager grew older. He had begun to work out, the gym being one of the places he could be assured time alone, and JD sat by watching as the lanky boy began to be transformed into the more familiar sculpted form of his adulthood. JD was impressed by the boy's dedication, though he knew it shouldn't surprise him; after all, Perry Cox was nothing if not devoted, when he set his mind to something. But watching him spend hours perfecting his body had a strange effect on JD, as though he were literally watching him become the Perry Cox he knew. Of course, that was precisely what was happening, but it was still oddly surreal, the way his face grew more and more familiar with each passing day. It was oddly poignant, too--knowing that whatever did transpire between them, something would cause Perry to forget him, between now and when JD would show up at Sacred Heart for the first official day of his internship.

Still, he tried not to dwell on that thought, focusing instead on supporting and encouraging the teenager as he began to throw himself into his studies and his workouts, determined to get himself out of his home as quickly as possible.

The added bulk had another benefit, too, one JD had predicted long ago, when Perry was only ten; as he continued to grow, both in strength and height, his father's abusive behavior began to abate. Perry had perfected a defensive routine that allowed him to ward off attacks without actually retaliating, and as his father, even in his drunken stupors, realized how much power Perry was actually capable of using if he decided to do so, he began to back off.

Soon after he turned seventeen, at JD's encouragement, he got a job at the local hospital as an orderly, which gave him at once an excuse to stay away from home and a place to learn from JD and the doctors there. He also began to set aside money, ready for when he would move off to college, and with the cash he kept he was able to buy himself more food and decent clothing. He was transformed, the smile coming more easily to his no longer sallow face, and he even began to attract the attention of some of the girls at his high school.

While all of this made JD swell with pride and happy for him, a part of him was still fearful. Something was still waiting, he was sure, in Perry's future; something bad. Something was going to transform him from the confident, intelligent, content young man he was now into the bitter man he would be in the future, and the more time passed, the more JD began to dread that eventuality. Every day he saw Dr. Cox, watched the way he moved, spoke, and noted the mannerisms that still matched those of the teenager in his flashbacks, he felt his heart tighten a little more with the dread of that impending event--one that he, apparently, hadn't been able to stop.

And there was another problem, too. As Perry grew older, entering his senior year of high school, JD realized the love he held for the younger man was no longer entirely platonic.

It wasn't that he started to fall for Perry on purpose. The few times he'd caught himself eyeing the boy--who was hardly a boy now--while he was working out, he'd pushed the thoughts away, tried to ignore them. But it grew more and more difficult, the more Perry came to resemble Dr. Cox, who JD had always thought was incredibly attractive.

He told himself it was wrong. He was the kid's mentor, in so many ways. He shouldn't let feelings like this happen. He'd known Perry when he was four, for fuck's sake! But still, he couldn't help admiring Perry's muscles, his strength, the way he moved...shit. Fantasy fodder, if nothing else. But he hoped Perry would settle on one of the girls who was interested, and squashed his own feelings down deep, hiding them completely.

One evening, however, when he'd settled down in front of the television with Turk to watch Love Connection reruns, he suddenly found himself standing in Perry's bedroom, the younger man standing with his back turned to him, staring at a letter in his hand. He was frozen, his other hand hanging limply at his side, fingers loosely clasping an envelope that had clearly been torn open in haste. JD cleared his throat, stepping forward. "Perry?" he said softly.

Perry turned to him slowly, staring, eyes wide and face unreadable.

"Perry? Are you okay?" JD asked softly.

Perry swallowed, and handed him the letter wordlessly.

JD took it, frown deepening, and looked down.

_Dear Mr. Perry Cox,_

_Welcome to the University of California at Berkeley! We are pleased to inform you that after a careful review process, your application has been selected for acceptance to our prestigious undergraduate program..._

"You fucking made it into Berkeley!" JD dropped the letter and threw his arms around Perry, hugging him tight. "I _knew_ you could do it!"

"There's more," Perry whispered, pulling away and rooting through the papers on his desk. He handed one to JD, a tremulous smile playing across his face.

JD glanced at the header--it was from the University of Berkeley's Alumni Association--then glanced quickly at the letter.

_Mr. Perry Cox,_

_Each year, highly qualified students, who have overcome significant obstacles, gain admission to Berkeley but cannot afford to attend. The Achievement Award Program gives these students the opportunity to obtain a Berkeley education through substantial scholarship funding and support services created specifically to encourage their success._

_We believe in a community of scholars who are passionate about outreach and we realize that our strength as a network relies on our diversity. Our purpose is to provide academic support for individuals with different lifestyles, backgrounds, and aspirations. We are confident and have pride in ourselves that we have the power to make a change in the future._

_It is this association's privilege and honor to award to you the California Alumni Association Achievement Award._

JD's face actually hurt from the width of his grin. "Dude...you made it," he whispered. "You did it. With this, and the loans and scholarships you know you can get...you did it." He realized there were tears in his eyes, and he wasn't sure he'd ever been so proud.

" _We_ did it," Perry whispered, and his grin rivaled JD's, tears slipping down his own cheeks. "I couldn't've done this if you hadn't... hadn't helped me, hadn't..." he paused, choked, and reached up to wipe at his cheeks.

JD reached out and hugged him again, realizing with a shock that Perry was taller than he was, bigger than he was. But it disappeared as the other man's arms wrapped around him. "You are going to be an incredible doctor. I just know it."

Perry's arms tightened around him, and he buried his face in JD's shoulder, choked laughter making him tremble a little bit. "Thank you," he whispered, again and again. "Thank you so much. Thank you."

"You're welcome," JD murmured. "I'm just...fuck, I'm so glad I could be here for you. I'm sorry it wasn't as much as I wanted..."

"No," Perry pulled back far enough to meet JD's gaze, and smiled, though it was a little wobbly. "It was more than enough."

The moment stretched, the two of them holding one another in a loose embrace, smiling at each other; as the silence grew, however, JD realized there was a thick tension growing between them, a hesitant waiting that neither of them seemed willing or able to break. The smile slowly slid from Perry's face, his eyes going slightly hooded, and as JD watched, his gaze slid down to JD's mouth.

JD saw the look, and knew what was coming. He pulled away, gently, before Perry could screw up his courage enough to kiss him. "You'll have a lot to plan, so many things to arrange..."

Perry blinked, a confused expression crossing his face. "I...yeah, I know, but it...I've been planning this for years. It won't be difficult, if things go the way I..." he blushed, then looked at JD intently. "If they go the way I want them to."

"Are you going to move out right after graduation? I know you've been saving up for a while, you should be able to manage..." JD knew he was babbling, but he also knew he couldn't give into the look in Perry's eyes, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Please stop it," Perry said quietly, lowering his head a little, though he kept his eyes on JD's. "I'm not stupid."

JD sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know you're not. Perry...we can't. It'd be wrong for me to...to take advantage of you like that."

Perry's expression remained guarded, but his eyes lit up a little. "It's not taking advantage if it's my idea," he said, stepping forward again, eyes flitting to JD's lips and back up.

"It still would be," JD said, shaking his head. "You're younger than me, by a lot, and you don't...You don't really want me." JD backed up another step. "I'm flattered, Perry, believe me I am, but it's just not right. You need someone your own age, from your own world..."

"But...but I don't _want_ anyone else..." Perry bit his lip, looking hesitant; when he spoke again, his voice was a little higher, tight with confusion and a little hurt. "I want _you._ I _love_ you."

"I love you, too, Perry," JD replied, trying to think of how to make him understand. "I do. But what you feel for me...It's not on the level of equals. I've been your mentor, as well as your friend, been an authority figure, been a _grown-up_...I think your feelings about that are just getting mixed up. I care about you very, very much, and I'd never do anything to hurt you if I could stop it. And I think this would, really badly. You'll be away from this place soon, and you'll need to make contacts and friends will people your age, who don't disappear at inconvenient times..."

Perry looked down, face flushed. "I'm not a child, JD," he said, very softly. "I know that I was, to you, not that long ago, but...I'm 18 years old. Maybe I'm not as old as you, but I'm not a complete moron. I know the difference between hero-worship and...and what _I_ feel, and they're not the same thing." He looked up then, glowering, and his face was almost frighteningly like that of the Dr. Cox JD knew from his own time and life. He took an almost involuntary step back, but Perry didn't let him retreat, reaching out to grab his wrist and hold him still. "If you think so little of me," he murmured, "that you honest to God think I shouldn't get any say about who I love, then maybe to you I _am_ still a child. But that would mean you don't know me after all, because news flash, JD: I grew up."

He released JD's wrist, and took a step backwards, still glowering. "Now," he said, voice very nearly a whisper but very clear; he spread his arms. "Do you want me or not?"

"You know I do," JD replied, hugging himself slightly, a cold sickness roiling in his gut. "But we can't. It's not...it's not right. I helped _raise_ you, and I can't...I can't just set that aside. Maybe that makes me an idiot, for saying no to something I want so much, but...I can't give you what you want. Not and live with myself after."

Perry swallowed, turning away, arms coming up to fold across his chest. "Yeah, okay," he muttered, and JD caught a glimpse of him reaching up very quickly to swipe at his cheeks. "Whatever you say."

"I'm sorry," JD said softly, his voice breaking slightly. "I really am. But I shouldn't be your first..." God, no wonder Dr. Cox had wanted to forget him.

Perry chuckled bitterly. "So what you _really_ meant by 'you're too young' and 'it's not right' is 'you're not good enough,' huh?" he asked, voice tight with sarcasm that couldn't mask the pain beneath the words. "I get it, JD. You don't have to make up excuses."

"More like I'm not good enough," JD replied, aching at the sound of Perry's voice. "But everything else aside...how many more times do you think I'll see you? You made it into Berkeley, you don't _need_ me anymore. Whatever controls this...it's not going to last much longer, it can't. And what would happen then? You'd wait for me? How could I ask you to put your life on hold, just for me? I'm not worth that."

"Wouldn't that be something _else_ that would fall under the category of _my_ decision?" Perry snapped, spinning around, suddenly furious. "Jesus Christ, JD, this could be our only chance, and you're telling me you'd rather not because you think I wouldn't know how to handle it if you didn't come back? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm pretty damned good at waiting for you. I've had _lots_ of practice." His voice was now dripping with sarcasm, a sneer on his face, and he began pacing, fingers curled into fists at his side. "You've got a _lot_ of nerve, you know, showing up and giving me some higher philosophy on life like you're some sort of fucking guru, giving me your whole pathetic, whiny little sob story about how you're not _good_ enough, you're not _worthy_ , when you know I'm not exactly the catch of the day. I'm fucking white trash, JD, and if either of us isn't good enough, you know perfectly well it's _me._ So drop the bullshit and just tell me: Do you want me or not?" He stopped his pacing, moving to stand before JD; the sneer slid from his face and it was open, vulnerable--fearful, almost. "Because I swear to you," he finished, voice lower than JD had ever heard it, "if you say no now, you'll never get another chance."

"I do," JD replied, knowing he couldn't tell Perry that in twenty years, JD _would_ be worthless next to him. "I do want you. But I _can't_. It would feel like taking advantage, even if it doesn't look like it to you. And if you have to hate me forever for that, then...I guess I'll have to try to live with that, instead. I'm sorry."

Instead of exploding, however, Perry simply stared at him for a long moment, then nodded, face going eerily blank. "Okay," he said again, voice steady and even. "I'm sorry I asked and made you feel uncomfortable. Thank you..." he faltered for a moment, then rallied. "Thank you for everything you ever did for me. I don't imagine I'll be seeing you again." He lowered his eyes, turning away, moving back toward the desk where the letters still rested.

JD sank onto Perry's bed, reflecting with sickening certainty that at least now he knew how he'd failed. Whether it was this rejection, or something later that had turned Perry so bitter, he knew the kid was right. He wouldn't be coming back, and so he couldn't fix anything else. "You will be an incredible doctor," he offered softly, already feeling his hold on the room slipping. "Good luck, Perry. I'm sorry..."

But the room was gone, and Turk was giving him an odd look. "Sorry for what, dude?"

JD closed his eyes. "Nothing. Was thinking about something else..."

Turk frowned, leaning in closer. "What were you thinking about?" he asked. "Because...JD, you're--shit, you look like you're about to cry. Are you okay?"

JD pinched the bridge of his nose, pulling himself under control. "Rough day, that's all...I think I'm gonna go to bed early."

Turk's frown deepened. "All right...if you're sure you don't need to talk," he said slowly.

"Maybe later, man. Thanks." JD pulled himself up, heading into his bedroom. He didn't want to tell Turk he was still having the visions--or whatever they were--and especially didn't want to tell him that he'd just fended off sexual advances. And probably ruined everything in the process.

With a sigh, JD slumped on his bed, picking up the child's drawing, tracing the rainbow, the two stick figures.

_Because I swear to you, if you say no now, you'll never get another chance._

He shuddered, remembering the words. Well...there went that faint hope. But could he really just...just let it go? No. No, he had to apologize, to see if twenty years had made a difference, made Perry understand...or just made him forget. Somehow, it didn't matter which. He still had to go see him.

Pulling on his coat, JD headed back into the living room. "I'll be back. Just need to go do something..." He was out of the apartment before Turk could even protest, thundering down the stairs, driving to Perry's apartment. It was only when he got there that he realized he'd slipped the drawing into his pocket. Well...maybe that'd be a good thing.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, trying not to think of Perry's betrayed face going so pale and blank.

There was the sound of grumbling from inside the apartment before the door opened. When it did, however, Dr. Cox's--Perry's?--face drew down into a scowl. "I have to work first shift," he said with no preamble. "And it's almost midnight. So if you aren't dying and coming over here to will me your long lost family fortune, I am going to close this door right _now._ "

"There isn't one, though I do have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me." JD took a deep breath. "Dr. Cox, there's something important I need to talk to you about."

"Newbie, unless it involves your aforementioned rich uncle, I don't see why--"

"It involves you, Perry," JD replied, voice shifting to a more authoritative tone without his conscious direction, even though he could feel himself shaking. "You and me. Can I come in, or do you want to do this in the hall?"

Perry's eyebrows had shot up at the use of his first name, but after a long moment during which JD wondered if he'd get slugged or just have the door slammed in his face, the older doctor stood back wordlessly, opening the door a little wider.

JD went in, pulling the drawing out of his pocket, though he didn't unfold it. "You never call me JD," he said, looking at him, wondering how much the other man remembered. "Even when you're in a good mood. I know you've got a nickname thing, but I have to wonder...did someone named JD do something crappy to you at some point?"

Perry blinked at him. Then blinked again. Then frowned, studying JD sidelong. "Are you drunk, Newbie?" he said, very softly.

"No." JD replied, running a hand through his hair. "I might be going crazy, but I'm not drunk. Here." He held out the folded piece of construction paper. "I think you should see this."

Perry accepted it, unfolding the paper. At first he simply frowned, but when his eyes fell on the bottom edge--where the signature was scrawled in a childish hand in crayon--his eyes went wide. "Where--what..." he looked up swiftly, face suddenly pale. "Where did you get this?" he whispered.

"As far as I can tell, you gave it to me on the playground at your school, when you were six," JD replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Before I disappeared for a few years. You were about ten when I came back the next time. I was around fairly often until you turned thirteen, and they thought you were disturbed, so they sent you to the school shrink. Next time I came back was when you were about to kill yourself." He dropped his hand, looking up. "Sound familiar? Or am I certifiable?"

Perry was staring at him in horror, shaking his head slowly. He dropped the paper as swiftly as though JD had just announced it had been dipped in a vial of small pox. He stared at JD, then down at the paper, then back up at JD again. "No," he whispered. "No, no..."

"Did I ever come back, after you got into Berkeley?" JD pressed, needing to know, needing confirmation that it had happened, and in his own desparation missing the warning signs that Perry was about to lose it. "Because that's what just happened, about half an hour ago. And I came over here to say I was sorry again, but now I'm not sure it was real...I'm not sure I'm not just losing it. I suppose I could've drawn that picture myself..."

"Shut up!" Perry suddenly shouted, scrambling backwards, nearly stumbling over the couch when he backed into it. "Shut up, shut _up!_ It didn't happen. It never happened! It wasn't _real!_ "

JD looked up, finally seeing Perry's face, his own shattered nerves slowly pulling themselves back together. If Perry was that freaked, denying it that loudly...Then it _had_ happened. He wasn't going crazy. "It was," he said, voice low. "It was real, I did see you grow up..." He slumped slightly, in relief. "I'm not going nuts..."

"No, no," Perry was moaning; he backed up until he hit the corner, then slid down, curling himself into a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees and shaking his head. "No, no, no..."

JD realized abruptly that he might not be losing it, but Perry certainly seemed to be. He shook himself, crossing to the wall, sliding down himself, but giving Perry plenty of room to get past him if he needed it, suddenly flashing back to the first time he'd seen him as a four-year-old boy. "Perry..."

Perry shook his head, eyes darting to JD's face, wide with fear. "You're not real," he moaned. "Oh God, you're not real, I've...God, is _any_ of this...? Have I been...shit, am I...? How long...how long have..."

"I'm painfully real," JD replied, still sitting where he was, not moving. "Come on, if you'd come up with an imaginary friend, it would've been someone a hell of a lot less annoying, right? Dr. Cox, you've got to calm down..."

Perry's head snapped up, and now he was glaring. "Calm down?" he repeated, voice low and deadly. "You fucking want me to _calm down_?! Let's look at this objectively, shall we?" He climbed to his feet, barreling past JD and beginning to pace, hands flying automatically to his hair. "I spend the last twenty fucking _years_ trying to convince myself that the wonderful, amazing, magical friend I had all through my childhood and nearly to my twenties wasn't real. Was some product of my deranged, abused subconscious. I spend _thousands_ of dollars on therapy and medication and fucking self-help books, and get you explained away down to the way you dressed, the way you styled your fucking _hair_. I get you tucked away in a neat little box of logic, which I locked with common sense and buried under a mountain of psycho-babble, and now you're telling me it _wasn't_ an illusion, I _didn't_ spend the first half of my life in a catatonic hallucinogenic stupor. You're telling me you were _real_ , you were really _there_ \--and you want me to calm the fuck _down_?!" He was shouting by the end, and he stopped in his pacing standing across the room from JD. His chest was heaving, his eyes were bulging, and his face was bright red, but there was clearly fear in the trembling of his hands at his sides, and the way he kept swallowing nervously.

"Um. Yeah?" JD offered, pushing himself up again, wondering just what he was supposed to do now. He pushed away the sudden absurd urge to shout "Boo" figuring it was hardly useful just then. "I'm real, and I'm _sorry_ I disappeared and made you think you were nuts, but then I've been thinking I'm going crazy for the last nine months or so, too, so I kind of see where you're coming from. Do you know what it's like to suddenly start having visions of some kid somewhere, and then find out it's the attending who already hates you? Christ..." He slumped back against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Now _I_ need to calm down..."

"This is not possible," Perry murmured, shaking his head and beginning to pace again. "This is not possible. This is fucking _bullshit_ , JD! How the hell could this have happened? This isn't a Ray Bradbury novel, we're not in a fucking George Lucas film, this is the real world! How the _hell_...?" He moaned, slumping onto the couch and burying his face in his hands. "Do you think we're _both_ crazy?" he finally asked, and his voice was soft, almost childish.

"We wouldn't be wondering if we were, if we were," JD replied, still leaning against the wall. "We'd just be crazy, and it'd seem normal. Or at least that's what they told us in my pysch classes...Fuck. If we're not crazy, it really happened. How the hell else would I know about your childhood? And you know things about me no one else does, too...So it's ridiculous, it's impossible, but it was real, too."

Perry looked up at him. "So...you...fuck, I've...I've known you my whole life," he whispered. "Jesus, this is messed up...it's _you_..."

JD waved, smiling wryly. "Hi. John Dorian, nice to meet you...God, do you know how bad I freaked when I read the name on that drawing?"

Perry lifted an eyebrow, pointing at himself. "'Bout like I did just now, maybe?"

JD snorted, walking over to drop into the chair by the couch. "Pretty much. That's when I decided I was probably schizophrenic. But, well...I liked you, so I didn't get it checked out."

Perry actually chuckled, though it was a little strained. "Likewise," he murmured. "I figured by about thirteen I was probably insane. But then I figured...if insane gave me you, then there were worse things to be. Fuck..." he shook his head, chuckling again. "This is so messed up."

"It really, really is," JD agreed, nearly laughing himself. "God...So...how was Berkeley?"

Perry stared at him, then blinked. Then blinked again. Then started laughing for real, a deep, almost desperate laugh that had him hunched over, face hidden in his hands as he shook his head slowly. "Fuck," he finally gasped. "What are we, just...picking up where we left off?"

JD frowned, pulling his knees to his chest. "Hopefully not right there," he said, sighing. "That's...why I came over. I wanted to apologize, again, for...for hurting you, that last time." He looked up, then. "And we can't just ignore it, can we? I mean...it'll be there between us every day, and I don't really want to switch off your service, but I think I'd have to, if we just let it fester."

Perry didn't lift his head, but he drew a deep breath and released it slowly. "I...I could pretend I didn't know what you meant, but..." he shook his head, lowering his hands and letting them drop to his thighs, eyes still downcast. "But I doubt even you would buy that. Look..." he sighed, raising his eyes to JD's, and his face was calmer, if a little sad. "It would've been a bad idea. And besides..." he laughed, sardonically. "Well, good to get a lesson in rejection at an early age, before I got _too_ hopeful about life and its glorious possibilities, right?"

JD bit his lip, trying to push back the tears that sprang to his eyes. God, an hour ago he'd been saying no to an eighteen-year-old, and now here was the grown man telling him it'd destroyed him... "Do you want to know why I said no?" he asked, very softly.

Perry shook his head slowly. "I'd rather not have to hear the reasons again," he said. "I...I appreciate the apology, really, and...well, fucked up though this is, I guess I'm glad to know I wasn't crazy. But...no. JD, I know I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to be around. And I know I act like I don't have any emotions, but...well, even _I_ don't want to hear the same rejection speech twice, if it's all the same." He gave JD a smile, though it was wry, and got to his feet, heading for the liquor cabinet. "I really think I could use something to drink," he said, clearing his throat. "Get you anything?"

"Something strong," JD replied, wiping his eyes when Perry stood up. He took a deep breath, looking straight ahead. "He was twenty-four years older than me. Good friends with my step-dad. A marine biologist. And I worshiped the ground he walked on. Hung on his every word, got so excited when he took me places, bought me things...And when I was twelve, he..." He paused, took another breath, and gritted his teeth. "He took what he wanted from me, and let me know no one would ever believe me if I spoke up. And that if I did, he'd make sure Mark would divorce my mom. I liked Mark, he'd lasted longer than the rest...and Mom liked him, too. So I didn't say anything. Not for the next two years, and then Mom left Mark on her own, and it stopped. And I know it was different, you were older, old enough to have an idea of what you wanted, but...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you why. I've never told anyone..."

Perry had turned halfway through JD's speech; now, the shot glass slipped from his hand, bouncing on the carpet. He ignored it, eyes impossibly wide; his mouth hung open, and for a long moment he was apparently incapable of speech. Then, seeming to realize what he was doing, he shook his head and closed it, but swallowed, hard. "Jesus, JD," he whispered.

JD let out a shaky laugh, wiping his face again. "Yeah. I mean...what do you say when someone tells you something like that, right? S'the real reason I stole Mom's pills... It wasn't just 'cause high school was hell."

Perry shook his head slowly, and there was a new emotion rising in his eyes--one that was at once familiar and new. Anger. But not, JD realized, anger at JD. Instead, for the first time in their relationship, past or present, Perry looked angry _for_ him. Any emotion was a welcome relief from the fear and devastation he'd seen in the older doctor's eyes before, but this...this was unexpected.

Perry shook his head again, brows drawing together unconsciously as his face fell into a familiar scowl. "That fucker," he muttered. "Jesus Christ, JD...two _years?_ "

"He...he started hinting around it when I was ten," JD replied. "Kept telling me I was lucky he had such good self-control...But I guess that ran out."

Perry moved forward, settling down onto the couch next to JD, angled toward him but not touching him. "What did he do to you?" he asked, voice very quiet, though JD could sense the anger and concern Perry was barely keeping in check.

JD snorted, trying to hold onto humor, onto anything that could keep him from really thinking about it, really remembering. "What do you think? What do most child molesters do?" He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "Shit, I'm sorry, I just...I just wanted to try to explain. I didn't meant to hurt you so badly. I just...couldn't do it."

"Forgiven," Perry said mildly, lifting an eyebrow in an expression that clearly said he wouldn't be deflected so easily. "JD? What did he _do_?"

JD rested his forehead on his knees, biting his lip hard for a moment. "What the fuck does it matter now? Isn't it enough that he did it?"

"Maybe," Perry said, folding his arms. "Or maybe not. You say you've never told anyone about this?"

"No," JD said, not looking up, wishing Perry would drop it. "I already told you I haven't. Wasn't anyone's business until now."

"I'm making it mine," Perry said, and his voice was a little lower, but no more forceful.

JD did look up at that. "That's what I meant. It...it is yours, you deserved to know why...but I don't see how hearing all the gory details is going to make either of us feel better."

Perry sighed, looking away and staring at his hands. Then, slowly, he turned them over, so his wrists were facing up. JD found himself looking at them, too--at the fragile, unmarred skin, veins and tendons visible below the tanned flesh. "You'd be surprised," he said after a moment.

"Oh," JD said softly, remembering. It'd only been when he'd told Perry he'd wanted to kill himself that the teen had seemed interested in anything outside himself. It had helped, then, he knew it. So maybe...he swallowed hard, pushing down a rising wave of nausea. "He...he told me he loved me, that I was a special kid. And I...I liked it, at first, I was flattered. He bought me stuff, me and not Dan. Mom was relieved he was willing to babysit so often, and I got to go to the movies and get treats we couldn't afford and...it was nice. But then..."

Perry shifted, moving almost imperceptibly closer. "Then?" he prompted, in a voice gentler than JD had ever heard it.

JD let out a long, shuddering sigh. "Then he touched me."

Perry closed his eyes briefly, then reached out and lay a very hesitant hand on JD's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

JD sighed, wiping his eyes, wondering when he'd started crying. "Me too. He...he told me it was all my fault, because I was too tempting and I'd teased him too much..."

"It wasn't your fault, JD," Perry said, very softly.

"I know. I do. I just..." JD squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment. "I knew it then. I was a fucking kid, how could I be teasing him? But I still couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't...couldn't mess things up for Mom. And it stopped, and I...I just tried not to think about it."

"I know you know," Perry said. "But knowing and believing aren't the same thing, huh?" He squeezed JD's shoulder briefly then drew his hand away again, settling it on his thigh and sighing. "Listen, JD, I...I know it can't undo what he did to you. But for what it's worth...I understand why you turned me down, now. I do."

"I didn't want to," JD offered, softly, swiping at his eyes again, trying to get himself under control. This was so backwards...everything was backwards. He was supposed to be comforting Perry, Perry was supposed to be younger...But Perry had become Dr. Cox, and was finally able to offer the same level of comfort and concern JD'd shown him. "Fuck, you know that was just, like, an hour ago or something, for me. I'm even wearing the same fucking clothes..."

Perry grinned, a little. "I'm not," he offered. "I've changed a few thousand times since then." He sobered a little. "But...twenty years ago or not, it's still nice to know I wasn't being rejected outright. So...thanks."

"Sorry you had to wait twenty years to hear it," JD said softly, very hesitantly reaching out to squeeze Perry's hand. "You know...I've been wondering for weeks what I screwed up so badly to make you so unhappy..."

Perry sighed and shook his head. "It wasn't that," he said.

"Oh." JD nodded, closing his eyes, leaning his head back on the couch. "What...No, never mind. You don't have to tell me."

Perry was silent until JD finally opened his eyes again, and when he did, there was a small, sad smirk on the older man's face. "Thought you wanted to know?"

"Well...I do," JD admitted, flushing slightly. "But...you're not a kid anymore, are you? And, well...I know you knowing I was real changes things, but we haven't exactly been close here and I don't..." He bit his lip again, turning away. "I don't want to make things go back to the way they were by pushing too hard."

"You really don't know when to shut up, do you?" Perry said, but the smirk had grown a little, and some of the sadness had faded from his eyes. "JD, you idiot, I was unhappy because you never came back."

JD blinked, a small, shy smile spreading over his face. "Really?"

Perry shrugged. "Well...yeah," he said, as though it should've been obvious. "I mean...for eighteen years, you were really the only constant in my life. Well," he added, wrinkling his nose, "semi-constant, anyway. And I was mad at you, when you said no, and hurt, but...I didn't really think you'd just... _vanish_. And when..." he sighed. "When I finally decided I'd imagined the whole thing--that I'd been crazy all along--I felt like..." he shrugged, shooting a quick glance at JD then looking back down again. "Like my best friend had died. Only worse, because I thought you'd never existed in the first place."

"Oh. Well...I'm sorry I never came back," JD replied, soft warmth blossoming in his heart. "I really couldn't control it, and now that...that you know it was real, now, I don't think I could go back. But if I could've controlled it...I wouldn't have left. Or I would've gotten you out of there, the very first time."

Perry looked at him in silence for a long moment. "You _did_ get me out of there," he said softly.

"I..." JD's eyes widened, and he smiled, very slightly. "Guess I kind of did, huh?"

"No 'kind of' involved, kid," Perry said. "You gave me something to work toward. Hell, you saved my _life_." He looked at JD, blinking hard. "I never thanked you for that, did I?" he said, voice almost a whisper.

"You were sixteen, it probably wasn't the first thing on your mind..." JD stopped, looking down, toying with a shoelace. "No. You didn't. But you're welcome. God...I was hoping time paradoxes couldn't exist during that whole thing..."

"Yeah, well...thank you," Perry said, very quietly. "I don't know where I would've ended up--assuming I survived at all--if you hadn't been there, so...thank you. Even if you didn't have any control over being there, you didn't have to handle it the way you did." He swallowed, looking away and reaching up to brush his eyes again.

"I couldn't have let you...have let you go through with it. The world needs you too much, Perry..."

Perry barked a laugh, and looked up at him, finally; his eyes were wet, but the smile on his face was genuine. "If anyone else said that to me," he replied, "I'd've told them they were full of it, but...you really believe it. You've been telling me all my life..." he drew a sharp breath and looked up, blinking. "You've been telling me all my life what an amazing doctor I would be," he said. "But if you hadn't told me...it never would've happened. So if the world needs me, then it needs you, too."

JD wiped his eyes again, smiling around his own tears. "Well obviously. I'm the man." He unfolded himself, sliding a little bit closer, though he didn't touch Perry. "God, I can't believe...Can't believe I can talk to you about this now..."

"I know," Perry said. "Talk about a dynamic shift, huh?" He bit his lip, then reached out to squeeze JD's shoulder again.

"Yeah...um," JD said. "Can I hug you? Please?"

Perry swallowed, but nodded. "Yeah," he said, lips twisting up again.

JD wrapped his arms around Perry, pulling him close, letting out a soft, shuddering sigh as he did so. And tried to imagine what the other man must be feeling. For him, it'd been an hour. For Perry, it'd been over twenty years.

Perry sighed, and after a moment relaxed, his arms coming up around JD. Then, suddenly, they tightened with a desperation that would've been alarming, if their situation hadn't been what it was. JD felt the warm moisture of Perry's breath on his neck, heard the slight shudder and realized with a small shock that the older doctor was fighting tears. "I missed you," Perry whispered. "Even...even when I tried to convince myself you weren't real...I still missed you."

JD held him closer, rubbing his back. "I'm here now. And I won't leave, this time. Not until you want me to..."

"JD?"

"Yeah?"

Perry drew a sharp breath. "I never hated you."

"I know, Perry," JD replied, tears stinging his own eyes again. "I know." He paused, for just a moment, before pressing closer. "I still love you."

Perry made a soft noise somewhere between a sigh and a moan, and said, "I love you too. And I meant...I meant even before...before I knew who you were. When you started working. I never hated you. In fact, I..." he stopped, suddenly. "Never mind," he whispered.

JD pulled back a little, freeing a hand to wipe his own tears away. "What? What were you going to say? And I know you didn't hate me, I was...well, I was freaking out a little and exaggerating."

"I think we were both freaking out, so no harm, no foul," Perry said, smiling. "I mean...not like we don't have an excuse, right? This isn't exactly the sort of thing that happens every day..."

JD nodded. "It's not. But you're avoiding the question. What were you going to say?"

"I...just...um." Perry drew away suddenly, looking embarrassed. "That...when you first started here, I...well. Liked you. A-a lot." He bit his lip, and when JD didn't answer right away, he flushed bright red. "I know I'm not exactly...well, I'm not eighteen anymore, so I don't blame you, if you're not interested. I mean, hell, you've been hinting around that you wanted me to be a father to you, so it's not like you can just suddenly...well, what I mean is, I understand if you--"

JD'd always found kissing someone to be an effective way to shut them the hell up. It worked just as well with Perry.

The older man moaned, hands going up to JD's shoulders, then sliding to his neck. When they broke apart a few seconds later, Perry blinked at him. "You...really?" he breathed.

"Fuck yeah," JD replied, grinning softly. "And you're not eighteen anymore, but now I'm sure you know what you want. Probably better'n I do, but I'm willing to take that chance, if you are."

Perry's kiss was answer enough.

* * *


End file.
